Friday, 21 March 2008
Ever noticed how the repressed, excluded and 'unattractive' main character of a film is made better and better looking as their popularity and success improves in the films progression. You can predict it almost every time. Its as though filmmakers think that nobody could accept an honestly physically unattractive or even average person as a successful popular human being. Are we all truly so shallow?
It bothers me. I am considered pretty good looking, how much does it bother those who are less attractive! Subliminal hell. You can never be popular as you can never be cute!
I understand it, I know why. But it is still I think a pity.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Tuesday, 18 March 2008
I recently realised how much power a certain incident has held over me. As with so many others it began as a childhood taunt, meaningless and silly. Caught me unawares and left me wounded. I have been working to exorcise the incident and remove its impact on me.. writing it here is partly to help others who may have felt the same kind of shame, and show what can be done about it.
I will write this in a way that shows the effect it NO LONGER HAS over me. I will not relive it in a way as to strengthen its effect, but to negate its impact and leave it as a healthy distant memory.
I was 9. Already very much a sexual being with little knowledge but an interest. I had recently been told how babies were made by another kid, slightly inaccurately. Apparently a man sticks his willy in a womans bits and pees... Heheh, not exactly correct but hey i was 9. So one day i passed this information on to a friend, not a good friend but a friend. This is important, until i thought hard and relived the incident recently i hadnt remembered that he was someone i got on with. I told him, he looked unsure of what i said, perhaps uncomfortable. Then he laughed and said 'dirty simon'. I remembered this as a taunt, but i am not sure if it was said more than once or twice. It didnt catch on, i certainly wasnt called that for long.
Only i felt dirty ever since, at least the sexual part of me. Not a good way to begin your life especially when it turns out you are kinky. I believed it deep down, so if i ever opened up to anyone about my sexuality and got a similar reaction it just relived the feeling and strengthened the belief. Believe me it happened a lot since i was both so sexual and so sensitive about it.
I have fought it conciously for years with some success but not enough. It has even impacted my relationship. If i asked for something different and got refused, or she laughed, got uncomfortable or even said yes half heartedly, i felt uncomfartable and dirty. You can imagine that i was not then in the best state to convince her to meet my need, or show her it could be FUN. Was never lucky enough to have met as a partner a girl kinky enough to have helped me feel less alone.
So what happened? Well i have learnt a few techniques to soften the memory and accept the emotions that accompanied it. The memory is in black and white now, seen as if on a screen rather than being relived. The little boy who was me has the love and acceptance from me now, the love that he didnt have then. The boy who said something so small, in such passing, well he hasnt even been forgiven as there was nothing to forgive. He also has my love and always will.
And if ever i feel dirty again i will replay that memory and see it happen at a distance, in grainy black and white. It will happen to a little boy who now has my love and support and sits at a campfire with me watching it from a distance. The other boy also sits with us, also just a boy and i wrap him in my love too. My arm is around the younger me and he is ok, he is loved, and so am i.
I am ME, i am ok.
Thursday, 13 March 2008
So what hope the long distance or virtual relationship?
My Domme and I had a bit of scare today. I did something to disappoint her. She responded with a 'headgame' that was (with hindsight) intended to be perceived as a punishment. When viewed from my end it didnt come across as a punishment, the words screamed 'its over, permanently, you failed me'. So I reacted with sadness and some anger... you can see where it might have ended up. Luckily it didnt and a short but intense bit of time on IM sorted it out. Still you have to wonder, when its so hard to communicate in person how hard is this?!!
She suggested that I should trust her more, that I know she loves me and would not hurt me. She is right of course and to a surprisingly (for me) deep level I do. I guess the measure of trust is how far you will go before you feel you are falling. Today showed me that while I trust her a lot its not enough that my more powerful emotional triggers can be played with. Not yet anyway. I think we need to know each other better, and perhaps more importantly know that the other person knows and understand us. Then I at least will feel completely in safe hands.
A friend of mine recently suggested that NVC (non-violent communication) of which he is a practitioner should be taught at schools. Not just for interpersonal reasons but to raise humanity up a level socially. Imagine if everyone from schoolkids chatting, right up to the politicians they may one day become, had measurably better empathic and communication skills. After a generation a significant improvement could be made in peoples lives on the macro and micro scale. I have to say from what I have seen of it, I think he is right. An hour a week could be invaluable!
nb. The violent does not refer to physical violence but emotional, as in charged words and unclear or unempathic communication that results in angry feelings on both sides.
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
Meanwhile my virtual Domme and i are back in contact. There has been talk of meeting in RL. A few days later she and i were playing by text when she demanded i shave myself, everything. 'Not one hair left' she said. She wanted it done that night with pictures to prove it. Now i have a modelling job in a few days and would normally wax. In fact i am booked in already. She wouldnt wait though, and when i asked twice to be allowed to do it after the waxing she demanded that i do it then and there. In fact she said that if we wanted to even consider real life she wanted to test my commitment (though she said this after i had already agreed).
Well i did it. I havent cum in a week so i was horny as it is, but this was such a rush. Being forced to do this, the sensations, the control! And then looking down at myself looking like a boy, all for her.. Lets just say that i was suprised how much i enjoyed submitting to her will...
There are times when i have wondered how much of me is Dom and how much sub. These days i think i know, the more sub a plaything is the more my dominant side comes out and gets creative :) my wife is not overly submissive so i am always reigning myself in. With my Domme and so far only with her, i find myself very deeply sub.
Weird huh. To have both and so strongly...
Monday, 10 March 2008
My wife and I have had years of problems with sex. She is very easygoing and accepting, not at all judgemental. She is fairly vanilla, sometimes her inner kinkster peeps out for a while but always hides away again. I am lucky to have her, she is wonderful, but not enough to feed my hedonism and need for kink. She also has a lower sex drive than me. I am sure that if she had a really strong sex drive her kink would have bubbled out long ago without much help.
We are trying at the moment to encourage her passion and her kinky side out to stay. One of the things I enjoy is occasionally to lie back and be done to. Since I am normally dominant, I initiate sex etc, its nice to relax and be pampered. So I wrote for her a long list of submissive things I would enjoy. The idea was to give her lots of options to choose from so she would not be stuck for inspiration, and for her to pick whatever she enjoyed (or might want to try) from the list. This way she could also stay on fairly safe ground but push her own boundaries a little, let herself open up and enjoy.
What happened at first is another story and not all good. Recently we tried again.
Saturday night I was wearing a butt plug. Dont ask why, I just felt like it. Hadnt told her about it. When we got to bed she decided tonight was the night and after a little encouragement started to get playful. She demanded I roll onto my front and started to give me a massage (later she told me that it was as much to relax her as me). That was lovely, but I wondered how I would hide the plug. She is very accepting of my kinky side so I wasnt too worried, in fact rather curious what might happen if she saw it. I was however a little embarrassed.
Once she started to massage my ass the game was up. She spotted it and chuckled, telling me how bad I was. She was planning to give me a paddling (which I love) but in a moment of inspiration decided that since I was wearing a pretty pink jewelled plug, that she though a pair of frilly panties would go nicely. Cue pair of panties thrown at me and a demand to put them on.
Hey I love wearing her panties under my clothes, they feel nice. They look ridiculous however, and I am no transvestite. I dont want to be seen in them and she knows it! Too vain for that! Hence the demand, spanked in her panties, pain and embarrassment in one. It was one of the things on the list she had shown an interest in when talking but now it was actually happening.
She has never used a paddle, with some coaching she started off, slowly at first and then faster and harder. Once I was warmed up she was really putting some strength into it (which mostly gave me a pleasant tingle, like I say I like being paddled, but some volleys had me squirming in pain nicely. She stopped to tease my cock and balls occasionally which was lovely...
we lay together afterwards, me in an endorphin high, kissing, hugging, and her then rolling onto her back demanding an orgasm. She likes her cums! The panties were off by now... I started to touch her and... Well she was very wet! She doesnt get wet easily, we use lube and lots of it. What happened we have no idea, she wasnt feeling particularly turned on at spanking me, not so that she had noticed. Her body obviously had thought otherwise and then some.. Needless to say she got a very good orgasm. By now I was dominating her and she ended up deep in fantasyland when she came.
She later admitted to me she had rather enjoyed spanking me, especially given some of our recent arguments. But she had especially enjoyed embarrassing me! I think there just might be a bit of a Domme in her after all... A good sign.
I really hope she continues experimenting and opening up her inner passion. We would both benefit from it hugely.
Well who know what I will think. Seriously though I do want to collect my thoughts and stories in one place. So here it is. I hope I can post regularly, but no promises. I hope you like my writing. I especially hope you comment and write back if you have been touched.
I will introduce myself a little now, but hopefully as I write more a little more will come out. Happily married to a wonderful, sexy, loving and slightly vanilla lady. On the surface a respectable businessman in a smart suit. Underneath that is a hedonist, someone who is forever young and in need of excitement. I ride bikes, ski, waterski, eat, drink and have sex with gusto. I try to experience all that life has to offer, good and bad, and I enjoy having good friends along for the ride. I am also one kinky mother...
And there is the rub... I can share most of who I am with almost anyone, but one of the most important parts of my self is forever hidden to most people I care about. As the years go by I find myself less able to support that double life. So I am here and I write, I do some photography, and I open up.
Sexually I am a switch. I am mostly dominant in practice, have been for years. Love to have a sexy girl bound and naked at my mercy. I can be a pretty 'creative' dom. I do switch though only one person so far has been able to do it, but God did I go deep! Never knew I had that much in me, and I must admit I miss it. On both sides I rather like orgasm denial, such a delicious and intense way to control someone. You will find that theme come up in a fair few of the stories, both those written from the Dom and Sub viewpoint.
My posting schedule will be fairly quick at first as I migrate old writing here. There will be some timeline to it, where I can tell the original posting date I will move it here with the same date.
n.b. All photos and stories on this blog are my own.