Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Clubbing night

Spent Saturday night with friends clubbing. Kinky clubbing. I can honestly say it was great fun.

For starters the people I've met over the last couple of years are great people and great company.

For the second I was enjoying leading my sandy, totally naked apart from heels, stay-ups, collar and leash, around a crowded club. Making her face a group of people who were enjoying the view, spread her legs, but banned from opening her eyes. The look of utter disbelief and embarrassment on her face was such a delicious pleasure for me.

After I made her crawl to some equipment on which she knelt as I played with her shaved pussy it became very apparent that her body had enjoyed it too! A lot!

Turns out our friends had seen our show and also enjoyed it.

Good karma all round :)

A view from my bed last night

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

And now?

And now? well we aren't being Domme and sub full time, but we are well and truly back in love, and we sure are having some very good and very kinky sex. Which often she initiates. Hard to believe she was wondering if she likes it only a few months ago. If I had more time id write about it but work is crazy these days.

Let's just say that kink is back! Groovy baby!

One final issue

This ones a doozy!

The damage he did would have faded much much faster than it did if we had gone back to our lives after kicking him out. We didn't. He had been making sandy feel uncomfortable with d/s and kink in general. Ironic given how much he liked her being kinky with him. But he wasn't a smart chap.

Sandy, like many wives introduced to kink, and a repressed English girl with prudish parents and catholic to boot, has found it very hard to come to terms with being kinky. That the kink was 'imposed' from outside adds to her trouble with it as she feels controlled. It becomes a shield to hide behind rather than admitting to herself that she is kinky. So for many years she compartmentalised it, very well indeed. She could ignore it when not in the mood and enjoy it when she was.

His presence made her worlds collide.

So kink stopped, one of the strong basis of our marriage, my submission to her, stopped. And worse she made me feel it was a dirty thing. Something she never valued. She couldn't remember how happy she had been before the blow up. I felt rejected and dirty.

For the last few months she has been going to counselling to try to come to terms with who she is. Figure out who she is and what she really likes. Try to stop hiding behind these barriers. For some while she didn't know if she was kinky but as time has gone by she has realised (remembered?) she enjoys it a lot. She has remembered how happy we were beforehand. She is trying to reconcile her good girl and her bad one. And she's trying to learn not to fear her hedonistic side, a side she has kept boxed in for most of her life for fear that if she ever let's it out it would control her. She is finally letting down those walls. We neither of us know if it will help but she believes that it will, in time. How much or how long it will take who knows. She's got a lifetime of thinking to evaluate and possibly relearn.

As for me? I'm learning to trust again. And to come to terms with my own kinkiness again. Especially the submissiveness that I felt was rejected and undervalued. I don't know if I will ever fully submit to her again, but I suspect in time I will if she wants it.

Yet more complexity

Sandy hates to feel controlled. It's not surprising when you think about her Domme side. Her lovely boyfriend was constantly telling her that I'm controlling her, that I'm a dominating character. He did it because he wanted me to let him see even more of her and hoped she would push back. He also thought he was helping someone he cared about improve her life.

Marriages are subtle things. We make compromises and adjustments, nothing is perfect. I can be a dominant character which is why being Sandys sub worked well for us. It gave her back a large measure of control. It brought us close and brought intimacy to us without too much pressure for sex. But he made her suddenly hyper-aware of the compromises she makes. The man with two failed marriages was needling her about how she should not need to compromise. And in her stressed mental state, while consciously she was rejecting his statements, subconsciously they were making her feel more dissatisfied.

Guess who offered her an escape? We still both wonder if these games he played were on purpose to see more of her, or if even he in his weakness (he isnt a strong person) didn't realise what he was doing or why.


Stress. Stress makes a person do crazy things.

Sandy had been back at work full time in a stressful job for two years at that point. Along with looking after kids, doing homework, and all that jazz it doesn't leave much time for us to relax.

Sandy needs a lot of time to herself to centre herself. It's always been the way she is. The lack had built up and she knew it. She was almost cracking up even before the boyfriend came on the scene. We both knew it and we're trying to deal with it but what time we could make simply wasn't enough.

She suffers from sad (winter blues). It was mid winter, and we haven't had a good summer in the uk for years.

She's bored. Midlife crisis bored. We are looking to move job and move country just for an adventure. She was feeling hemmed in badly.

All this leads to a woman who was on the edge of breaking down. Not an end of the world mental breakdown but bad enough. You know when you feel boxed in on all sides and can't see any way out. When you aren't thinking straight and your emotions are all over the place.

Into all this came the boyfriend. I won't say much about him but in the end he turned out to be a poisonous character. Consciously or not he tried to come between us. Pressured sandy into seeing him too often, into letting her feelings go when she was trying to be more careful with them. Even threatening suicide when we were trying to back away from him. Since she did care about him then she kept being drawn back in by it.

In the end she cracked. I wish I could say I acted perfectly but I was too angry to be calm. I was forgiving but angry, stressed, and harsh at times. Felt very unsure of us for a while wondering why she would apparently value him highly enough to put our marriage second. Not realising quite how much the stress had affected her judgement. And only finding out as we talked more how much he had been lacing us with his lies.

Rebuilding trust is hard and takes time. I still occasionally wonder if she is cheating. I know she isn't, but I also know something I didn't know before. She is able to lie and be believable. So trust has to be on faith now, based on love alone. That's harder now than it used to be. It helps knowing that it wasn't done with malice but out of stress and a desperate need to avoid conflict.

Better start updating

So Sandy and I were close to breaking up over Christmas. We didn't, we are too in love and have a life and kids together. But we came close.

Why? Trust in a word. Sandy lied to me. Not once but three times. Each time she promised not to do it again. Each time it was harder for me to forgive and put my faith in her. The last time I almost kicked her out. I was angry, shouting and fuming. Only the fact that she was in the end honest with me saved the marriage. But under a huge amount of duress.

Why would a person in an open marriage lie, there is no need to! Well it's a lot more complex than that, in my next post I will try and explain.