Tuesday, 15 May 2012

One final issue

This ones a doozy!

The damage he did would have faded much much faster than it did if we had gone back to our lives after kicking him out. We didn't. He had been making sandy feel uncomfortable with d/s and kink in general. Ironic given how much he liked her being kinky with him. But he wasn't a smart chap.

Sandy, like many wives introduced to kink, and a repressed English girl with prudish parents and catholic to boot, has found it very hard to come to terms with being kinky. That the kink was 'imposed' from outside adds to her trouble with it as she feels controlled. It becomes a shield to hide behind rather than admitting to herself that she is kinky. So for many years she compartmentalised it, very well indeed. She could ignore it when not in the mood and enjoy it when she was.

His presence made her worlds collide.

So kink stopped, one of the strong basis of our marriage, my submission to her, stopped. And worse she made me feel it was a dirty thing. Something she never valued. She couldn't remember how happy she had been before the blow up. I felt rejected and dirty.

For the last few months she has been going to counselling to try to come to terms with who she is. Figure out who she is and what she really likes. Try to stop hiding behind these barriers. For some while she didn't know if she was kinky but as time has gone by she has realised (remembered?) she enjoys it a lot. She has remembered how happy we were beforehand. She is trying to reconcile her good girl and her bad one. And she's trying to learn not to fear her hedonistic side, a side she has kept boxed in for most of her life for fear that if she ever let's it out it would control her. She is finally letting down those walls. We neither of us know if it will help but she believes that it will, in time. How much or how long it will take who knows. She's got a lifetime of thinking to evaluate and possibly relearn.

As for me? I'm learning to trust again. And to come to terms with my own kinkiness again. Especially the submissiveness that I felt was rejected and undervalued. I don't know if I will ever fully submit to her again, but I suspect in time I will if she wants it.

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