Wednesday, 17 February 2010

The Day

47 years old, mother, wife. It's all she had been for as long as she could remember. Content but lonely, loved but undefined. Never quite in touch with herself. She had long suspected why, but she just couldn't admit it to herself. Not to herself, and certainly not to her husband. Only in her dreams did she face her demons and wake up wet with the proof of her perversion. 47 years is a long time to hide from yourself.

She knelt naked, cloaked in uncertainty, shimmering with arousal. Fear drove her heartbeat, she forced herself to face it. A drop of arousal crept between her thighs, unable to go anywhere, with her legs spread wide they provided no easy path to follow and the drop hung there. She felt that appropriate, her own path had been no easier, the ending equally uncertain. Yet she felt it hanging, reminding her of her own disgust, forcing her to admit her arousal, and admitting perhaps a just little anticipation at what was to come.

Her breasts hung low, full but not firm, she hated seeing them. They had never filled her with pleasure, so little had. Now they were damaged, sagging with the task they had twice performed. Her stomach too, never too firm now folded at her waist. She didn't look down. Her lips hung low, loosened by childbirth one hung lower than the other. She held back a tear, but her arousal rose higher.

Today was the day that she finally faced her fear, she knew she had to try. She had let life pass her by, had hidden from her desires, and finally had found the courage to take a bite at the apple.

So she knelt, naked, cloaked in uncertainty, shimmering with arousal. She had no choice. Her husband had not seen her naked and lit for years, very rarely. Yet the lights stayed on, her blindfold on, the door unlocked and the man she had messaged for months now was about to enter. The drop fell.

The light reflected from her skin, the tremor in her body evident. His heart filled with gratitude at the trust she gave, and pride at her bravery. Her body looked incredible, her submission was woven in her every line and move. And her face, so much prettier than her pictures. There for a moment, just for a moment, he felt it was he who should be kneeling at her feet, letting her beauty and fragile trust wash his soul clean.

A huge thanks to Kimberly for organising this months posting of 'May I seduce you'. Don't forget to check out these other fabulous bloggers for their take on this months theme.

Kink Chronicles




Ms Scarlett







FG Sakes


They belong to us


Sunday, 14 February 2010

Beautiful valentines eve

My lovely wife sandy surprised me. She bought a beautiful card, dressed up in a lovely red underwear set which complimented her heart shaped bottom perfectly. Covered our bed with red heart shaped led lights, and gave me a totally (ok nearly totally) vanilla evening of lovemaking. She had asked me to cum earlier that day, so I was able to hold back. We made love, hugged, kissed, fucked in at least three positions. And came simultaneously. We ended the night in each others arms, happy, relaxed, healing.

She did say not to expect it again soon! She just isn't able to shuck off domme completely anymore :)

Apart from the obvious this was good because it was planned, preconceived. It showed that she had been thinking of me and made it happen. That means a lot to me!

I bought her a beautiful pair of purple suede heels. Very expensive ones but oh my god! The shoes lovers will understand. I will post a pic soon.


Sorry about the pic, the iPhone camera is rubbish! They are deep purple all over. Unlike my homemade card which was cheesy pink lol!

Saturday, 13 February 2010

Baby steps but progress

To those who commented on my last post, thank you for the support. I have replied, I hope you read it as you all had something to say that I found valuable.


So whats going on? I know thats what is on my mind.

Day to day Sandy and I are getting on as well as before. Nothing has changed. She acts very loving, I am still being supportive of her, and she still says she is happy with me. There is definitely an edge there, I think its coming mostly from me. Im unsure, not about whether she loves me which is apparent, but about whether this is going to bubble up again, now or in a few years. One day it bubbles up again from nowhere and catches me out, maybe this time it does cause a break up... Its a fear I have had before as Sandy is not the introspective type, so if something is bothering her she wont talk about it, or even be aware of it until it becomes so serious its a danger to the relationship. It happened once before leading to a year of hell, where she basically let vent her anger and bitterness in a very strong way, until finally getting past it. It made us stronger, but came very close to breaking us up in the meantime. I doubt we would get through something like that again.

Yes these are my fears talking. We are better at managing ourselves than we were then. She is more introspective and more open to talk when I sense problems developing, and I am better at bringing it up. So it probably isnt going to happen. But you can understand why my fear has resurfaced at the moment.

She does need to work out who she is, what she wants, who she wants to become. These are things I cant help with, beyond being there for her. She has decided to see an NLP therapist for certain, she wants to get over the part of her that allows life to happen, rather than being in control and diving in to it. I imagine she will also be discussing who she is and what she wants to do. I will go with her if that will help, but I dont think either of us feel thats needed. My presence would be more likely to inhibit her than help. She might also see a normal therapist to talk things through, but she thinks that the NLP is likely to help, its helped her before. So lets see how it goes.

Beyond the fact that arguments and tiredness leave less time for sex, our sex life is strangely unchanged. Less frequent but she is as dominant as she ever was. I think its really a big part of her, she likes being bossy and enjoys being 'mean'. Though intimacy is more fragile between us this is still acting as an anchor for us. However we have drifted into this lifestyle. There comes a point in a long relationship where you want commitment. After a few years of being in love any man or woman may wonder why the other partner hasnt suggested marriage. Its a statement of intent, of commitment, even if it changes day to day life very little. That how I feel about d/s. I have been her sub for a little over a year, we just get deeper and deeper into it, but she still talks about it as if its a game. Its not that anymore. My sacrifice as a sub is too great for me to treat it that way. I do more for her, at the expense of time to myself. I think of her more, and often bow to her wishes even when they don't coincide with mine. Yes if its important I make a stand but more often than not I try to put her happiness and wants above mine. That is a sacrifice, a gift, and I need it acknowledged. She understands that need. I have asked her to make a decision, a commitment, by the end of march. To think and read and learn and decide about what she wants out of us, as well as for herself. If she decides this isnt for her then fair enough, but at least its an active decision, not a passive thing. Its also her decision. Her domme side does not like being controlled, and because I have drawn out this lifestyle, introduced her to it, send her articles to read etc, she sometimes feels its not her own. Hopefully if she decides to go for it she will feel like she owns it a bit more, which will help her feel good about it. She said herself she hates being 'told what to do'. So fair enough, decide what you want and commit to it.

She expressed a fear about making the wrong decision. I think I eased her fears about that. No decision, least of all something this serious is final. If she decides one way and realises after a while its a mistake then we will change. We will both be happier knowing that its a decision she has made that will meet her needs, and not something she has fallen into because of me.

However she has said a few interesting things in the last few days that have surprised me.

1 She thinks that if she stopped being my domme I would have to sub to someone else. She believes its a deeper side of me than I thought it was a couple years ago. I hadnt realised she knew it ran that deep. ps. I dont think she minds as long as there is no real sex involved.

2 When discussing what it would be like if we stopped she clearly thought that she would still own my cock and my orgasms. And that she would get her own way more. And that most if not all our sex would be kinky. Hmm, what then is the difference between that and being a domme? Like I say I think this runs deeper in her than she realises. I pointed out that if she decides not to have a d/s relationship then these things will not be there anymore. Sure we will have kinky sex, but also more vanilla sex. I would cum when I want. I would look after her but my own wishes would be more prominent than they are now. I dont think she liked this idea (LOL), but she took it on board. I need to be clear about it though, because if we carry on like that then its dominance in all but name, the relationship continues but she still hasnt asked me to marry her. I hope im making myself clear as its hard to pin it down.

In conclusion we have a long way to go, but I am optimistic that its a large storm in a medium sized teacup, but there are deep seated issues that need to be resolved, mostly in her head. I hope this will happen and not fall by the wayside. We are working towards that.

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Then it all goes badly wrong.

Well three days later she asked for a divorce. We were having a petty argument, not sure what, and she suddenly said she can't live like this any more, she isn't happy, and she wants a divorce. She was serious, it wasn't just the anger talking. Even in the bad times she had never sounded so assured. I was stunned. I'm still reeling. My first thought was why now? For so many years we argued like crazy, we could be truly nasty to each other, but about three years ago we finally sorted ourselves out. We might argue once or twice every quarter now, and they are small short ones, maybe an hour, they used to last days. For two very hot tempered people that's pretty good going I think.

My next thought was, 'she is leaving me?' All those years when she wasn't meeting my needs and didnt seem interested in me I stuck by her, over a decade. I gave her my youth. I worked with her to try and sort things out and had faith that she would try to make it good. Now she wants leave over something so much less, when she admits that I do a lot for her. I was so confused I didn't know wether to feel angry, scared, accepting.

I said to her that if that's what she wanted then fine, we could split amicably, but not to expect custody of the kids, if she wanted to break up the family I didn't want to be the one losing them.

We talked for hours, argued, I cried, so did she. She admitted she was very mixed up, didn't know what she wants. She claims our happiness of the last three years isn't a lie, that she really has been happy with me. She simultaneously says that she isn't happy about her lack of job, she is bored, she lacks confident in herself. She doesn't even know if she wants a job, as that would mean being there for the kids less. She sort of claimed that she is unsure of herself and thats spilling over into being unsure of me. In short she is very mixed up. We talked about this a lot, and there are certainly issues about which she is unsure, but they didnt convince me that she wasnt also harbouring some unhappiness about me as well.

I asked her, while crying, that if that she did decide to leave, to make up her mind soon, not to let it drag on as only she can until we are older, then leave me. Id rather she do it while I am still young enough to make a new life. Its the least she can do. When we met she had asked the same promise of me regarding having kids. To not drag out a relationship with her (since she was older than me) then leave her when she wanted kids. To give her time if I decided I wasnt committed to find someone else. She burst out crying and said she didn't want to leave, sobbed that she didn't mean it and didn't know what she wanted anymore.

So off we went to bed. She slept, I didn't. Overwhelming emotions flowed through me, at one point in the night I was crying and she reached out to me, it was all I could do not to jerk away at her touch, I couldnt stand the thought of being near her. I got up later and read the rest of the night in the spare room.

Lest this seem like all I care about is how I feel, its not the case. We mostly talked about how she was feeling, what she wanted. I care about her and dont want her to be unhappy, but there is little I can do for her. I have supported her financially and emotionally for the last three years, and while I can talk to her about things, only she can sort her own head out. I meanwhile am left wondering where I stand.

In the last few days we have moved on. She has mostly convinced me that she really doesn't want to leave, that she is mixed up about other stuff, and they remind her of our old unhappiness, and thats why its bleeding into her feelings for me. She is acting loving, she certainly is understanding of my feeling unsure of us. We talked again last night about her work, her being torn between kids and career. Also about her more underlying issues, not knowing who she is anymore or what she wants in the future. She laughed at one point saying, 'you do realise its my mid-life crisis'. I hope thats all it is. She is considering going to see an NLP therapist to try and get a handle on who she is, where she wants to go.

What does this mean for the d/s relationship we have. I dont know that either. She enjoys it, or so she claims, but simultaneously says she sometimes feels bored of sex. Then she points out that because her libido is low at the moment thats more likely why. I can understand that. She likes being in charge, but because I brought it to the table she doesnt feel its her idea, so it adds to the feelings of her not knowing who she is. She thinks she isnt vanilla anymore, knows she doesnt want to be a sub, enjoys the play and being mean to me. Yet these feelings arent entirely clear in her head. She isnt fully committing to being a domme at the moment (unsurprisingly). But despite that we have again drifted into what is in essence a d/s relationship, since november when I pulled back wanting to know where I stand with her. We drifted back because of her as much (if not more) than me. For example she wants to control my orgasms, wants her foot rubs and cups of tea, etc etc. She started doing that after november without a push from me. It seems to me that this a large part of who she is these days, but she hasnt yet come to realise that. I cant push this, all I can do is wait for her to decide if it is or isnt what she wants. Above all she says, and I agree, that we have both been a lot lot happier in the year or so that we have lived this way full time. So why is she confused? She doesnt know. The only aspect of it we can pin down is that she is uncomfortable because its not a 'society norm'. It would however be a mistake to assume thats the largest part of her unsureness.

So in short, a confused, bored wife having a mid-life crisis. Probably nothing to worry about, probably will blow over. But because it has touched on so many of her deep seated issues, things she never quite resolves like what she wants out of life, then it has the potential to bite hard. I am also unsure of myself, if she can want a divorce when we are so happy, then it leaves me little room to 'improve' and makes me think this is a more dangerous place to be than when we were arguing lots. True she says she doesnt want one now, but at the time it wasnt said purely in anger either. So watch this space.

We have had sex since and it was good. Day to day we are still happy with each other and loving. Lets chalk it down to a symptom of something else. I am encouraging her to find someone to talk to about her feelings though, I dont think its good to let it drift, for either of us. I was in two minds about writing this update, not because it might be read by others but because putting it down makes it real. If it turns out to be a storm in a teacup I might not want to be reminded of it in the future. I just dont know. For now I will put it up, its part of my diary. One day I may decide to stick my head in the sand and wipe it from the annals of history :)


So what happened?

Well when we got to bed she wasn't sure what mood she was in. She teased me that maybe she just wanted a quickie before going to sleep. But as we lady and chatted it became apparent that she was feeling rather playful if little lazy.

She decided that i was going to stay locked. Actually she admitted she had decided that much earlier in the day, bit had not admitted it to me, just teased me with the hope of freedom and pleasure. In a magnanimous gesture she insisted that I wear a butt plug, so I can feel good too, while I make her cum. Further she insisted that I get on all fours and spread my cheeks as she pushed it in. A position I find especially humiliating, something she knows only to well. Finally I lay next to her and used my hands to bring her two rather nice orgasms in quick succession, trying to feel what I could of her skin on me.

As she bathed in after glow I left to wash the plug, hugged her good night, and was told to kneel at the end of the bed and massage her feet as she feel asleep. She commented that kneeling was more appropriate than sitting on the end of the bed, for a Subbie.

Friday, 5 February 2010

Wow, what a few days

I need to reply to bd about what happened at the weekend. Which was fun by the way!

Then I need to brain dump a very nasty argument we had last night. Just got to get it off my chest.

Not sure when I will find the time but I want to do the first before I forget (and becuase bd provides ne enough excitement he seaweed to hear about it, heheh), and the second cos it's festering and I have to get it out.

Yes I know I sound mixed up!