Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Then it all goes badly wrong.

Well three days later she asked for a divorce. We were having a petty argument, not sure what, and she suddenly said she can't live like this any more, she isn't happy, and she wants a divorce. She was serious, it wasn't just the anger talking. Even in the bad times she had never sounded so assured. I was stunned. I'm still reeling. My first thought was why now? For so many years we argued like crazy, we could be truly nasty to each other, but about three years ago we finally sorted ourselves out. We might argue once or twice every quarter now, and they are small short ones, maybe an hour, they used to last days. For two very hot tempered people that's pretty good going I think.

My next thought was, 'she is leaving me?' All those years when she wasn't meeting my needs and didnt seem interested in me I stuck by her, over a decade. I gave her my youth. I worked with her to try and sort things out and had faith that she would try to make it good. Now she wants leave over something so much less, when she admits that I do a lot for her. I was so confused I didn't know wether to feel angry, scared, accepting.

I said to her that if that's what she wanted then fine, we could split amicably, but not to expect custody of the kids, if she wanted to break up the family I didn't want to be the one losing them.

We talked for hours, argued, I cried, so did she. She admitted she was very mixed up, didn't know what she wants. She claims our happiness of the last three years isn't a lie, that she really has been happy with me. She simultaneously says that she isn't happy about her lack of job, she is bored, she lacks confident in herself. She doesn't even know if she wants a job, as that would mean being there for the kids less. She sort of claimed that she is unsure of herself and thats spilling over into being unsure of me. In short she is very mixed up. We talked about this a lot, and there are certainly issues about which she is unsure, but they didnt convince me that she wasnt also harbouring some unhappiness about me as well.

I asked her, while crying, that if that she did decide to leave, to make up her mind soon, not to let it drag on as only she can until we are older, then leave me. Id rather she do it while I am still young enough to make a new life. Its the least she can do. When we met she had asked the same promise of me regarding having kids. To not drag out a relationship with her (since she was older than me) then leave her when she wanted kids. To give her time if I decided I wasnt committed to find someone else. She burst out crying and said she didn't want to leave, sobbed that she didn't mean it and didn't know what she wanted anymore.

So off we went to bed. She slept, I didn't. Overwhelming emotions flowed through me, at one point in the night I was crying and she reached out to me, it was all I could do not to jerk away at her touch, I couldnt stand the thought of being near her. I got up later and read the rest of the night in the spare room.

Lest this seem like all I care about is how I feel, its not the case. We mostly talked about how she was feeling, what she wanted. I care about her and dont want her to be unhappy, but there is little I can do for her. I have supported her financially and emotionally for the last three years, and while I can talk to her about things, only she can sort her own head out. I meanwhile am left wondering where I stand.

In the last few days we have moved on. She has mostly convinced me that she really doesn't want to leave, that she is mixed up about other stuff, and they remind her of our old unhappiness, and thats why its bleeding into her feelings for me. She is acting loving, she certainly is understanding of my feeling unsure of us. We talked again last night about her work, her being torn between kids and career. Also about her more underlying issues, not knowing who she is anymore or what she wants in the future. She laughed at one point saying, 'you do realise its my mid-life crisis'. I hope thats all it is. She is considering going to see an NLP therapist to try and get a handle on who she is, where she wants to go.

What does this mean for the d/s relationship we have. I dont know that either. She enjoys it, or so she claims, but simultaneously says she sometimes feels bored of sex. Then she points out that because her libido is low at the moment thats more likely why. I can understand that. She likes being in charge, but because I brought it to the table she doesnt feel its her idea, so it adds to the feelings of her not knowing who she is. She thinks she isnt vanilla anymore, knows she doesnt want to be a sub, enjoys the play and being mean to me. Yet these feelings arent entirely clear in her head. She isnt fully committing to being a domme at the moment (unsurprisingly). But despite that we have again drifted into what is in essence a d/s relationship, since november when I pulled back wanting to know where I stand with her. We drifted back because of her as much (if not more) than me. For example she wants to control my orgasms, wants her foot rubs and cups of tea, etc etc. She started doing that after november without a push from me. It seems to me that this a large part of who she is these days, but she hasnt yet come to realise that. I cant push this, all I can do is wait for her to decide if it is or isnt what she wants. Above all she says, and I agree, that we have both been a lot lot happier in the year or so that we have lived this way full time. So why is she confused? She doesnt know. The only aspect of it we can pin down is that she is uncomfortable because its not a 'society norm'. It would however be a mistake to assume thats the largest part of her unsureness.

So in short, a confused, bored wife having a mid-life crisis. Probably nothing to worry about, probably will blow over. But because it has touched on so many of her deep seated issues, things she never quite resolves like what she wants out of life, then it has the potential to bite hard. I am also unsure of myself, if she can want a divorce when we are so happy, then it leaves me little room to 'improve' and makes me think this is a more dangerous place to be than when we were arguing lots. True she says she doesnt want one now, but at the time it wasnt said purely in anger either. So watch this space.

We have had sex since and it was good. Day to day we are still happy with each other and loving. Lets chalk it down to a symptom of something else. I am encouraging her to find someone to talk to about her feelings though, I dont think its good to let it drift, for either of us. I was in two minds about writing this update, not because it might be read by others but because putting it down makes it real. If it turns out to be a storm in a teacup I might not want to be reminded of it in the future. I just dont know. For now I will put it up, its part of my diary. One day I may decide to stick my head in the sand and wipe it from the annals of history :)



Anonymous said...

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness, looking for peace... They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them... The irony is the only place they needed to search was within....

thumper said...

I think you're totally on the right track. One, it's probably more about other issues she's having in her life more than it's you. Two, she REALLY needs to talk to someone. If you get to the point where you bring up divorce, then you've officially reached the point where you need a therapist. JMO.

Good luck, man. To both of you.

heelsnstocking said...

totally feel for you both, its a confusing place to be in mentally and from my personal experience it does not reflect on the love between the 2 of you and you may find it makes you stronger together.


Mknight said...

I agree with thumper but let me add that I think it would be good for both of you to sit down together with somone not just your wife.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the other comments but add: don't pull away from her now. She needs you to be her rock. Hopefully the divorce comment was just a means of getting your attention (which it did). We subbies can be selfish little creatures; now is the time for you to man up and really pay attention to what she needs. She certainly needs some talk therapy, she may also need some hormone testing. If she is about your age, she is a little on the young side, but could be coming up on peri-menopause. My wife has been in it for about 10 years. Its like one long low grade PMS. A respectful and caring D/s is what has gotten us through. Good luck.

MyKey said...

Thank you all for your support!

Anonymous 1. You are absolutely right. Peace and happiness comes from inside, unfortunately learning to look there isnt easy!

Thumper. Thanks for your support man. We will.

Heels. Thanks. I know you are right about it reflecting love. I hope we do end up stronger.

MKnight. Thanks! I will be happy to if it comes up, but for now I think I would inhibit her too much.

Anonymous 2. Very interesting insight, thanks. Yes we subbies can be selfish, I know I find it hard not to be. I am aware she needs me to be her rock (and yes, Man up!), and by God I am trying. I wont pull away for a long time yet, hard though it may be. She is the one who needs support right now not me. I will bear the menopause thing in mind, her mother was also early. So far there are none of the other signs. Indeed caring d/s seems to be helping us these days too.