Saturday, 13 February 2010

Baby steps but progress

To those who commented on my last post, thank you for the support. I have replied, I hope you read it as you all had something to say that I found valuable.


So whats going on? I know thats what is on my mind.

Day to day Sandy and I are getting on as well as before. Nothing has changed. She acts very loving, I am still being supportive of her, and she still says she is happy with me. There is definitely an edge there, I think its coming mostly from me. Im unsure, not about whether she loves me which is apparent, but about whether this is going to bubble up again, now or in a few years. One day it bubbles up again from nowhere and catches me out, maybe this time it does cause a break up... Its a fear I have had before as Sandy is not the introspective type, so if something is bothering her she wont talk about it, or even be aware of it until it becomes so serious its a danger to the relationship. It happened once before leading to a year of hell, where she basically let vent her anger and bitterness in a very strong way, until finally getting past it. It made us stronger, but came very close to breaking us up in the meantime. I doubt we would get through something like that again.

Yes these are my fears talking. We are better at managing ourselves than we were then. She is more introspective and more open to talk when I sense problems developing, and I am better at bringing it up. So it probably isnt going to happen. But you can understand why my fear has resurfaced at the moment.

She does need to work out who she is, what she wants, who she wants to become. These are things I cant help with, beyond being there for her. She has decided to see an NLP therapist for certain, she wants to get over the part of her that allows life to happen, rather than being in control and diving in to it. I imagine she will also be discussing who she is and what she wants to do. I will go with her if that will help, but I dont think either of us feel thats needed. My presence would be more likely to inhibit her than help. She might also see a normal therapist to talk things through, but she thinks that the NLP is likely to help, its helped her before. So lets see how it goes.

Beyond the fact that arguments and tiredness leave less time for sex, our sex life is strangely unchanged. Less frequent but she is as dominant as she ever was. I think its really a big part of her, she likes being bossy and enjoys being 'mean'. Though intimacy is more fragile between us this is still acting as an anchor for us. However we have drifted into this lifestyle. There comes a point in a long relationship where you want commitment. After a few years of being in love any man or woman may wonder why the other partner hasnt suggested marriage. Its a statement of intent, of commitment, even if it changes day to day life very little. That how I feel about d/s. I have been her sub for a little over a year, we just get deeper and deeper into it, but she still talks about it as if its a game. Its not that anymore. My sacrifice as a sub is too great for me to treat it that way. I do more for her, at the expense of time to myself. I think of her more, and often bow to her wishes even when they don't coincide with mine. Yes if its important I make a stand but more often than not I try to put her happiness and wants above mine. That is a sacrifice, a gift, and I need it acknowledged. She understands that need. I have asked her to make a decision, a commitment, by the end of march. To think and read and learn and decide about what she wants out of us, as well as for herself. If she decides this isnt for her then fair enough, but at least its an active decision, not a passive thing. Its also her decision. Her domme side does not like being controlled, and because I have drawn out this lifestyle, introduced her to it, send her articles to read etc, she sometimes feels its not her own. Hopefully if she decides to go for it she will feel like she owns it a bit more, which will help her feel good about it. She said herself she hates being 'told what to do'. So fair enough, decide what you want and commit to it.

She expressed a fear about making the wrong decision. I think I eased her fears about that. No decision, least of all something this serious is final. If she decides one way and realises after a while its a mistake then we will change. We will both be happier knowing that its a decision she has made that will meet her needs, and not something she has fallen into because of me.

However she has said a few interesting things in the last few days that have surprised me.

1 She thinks that if she stopped being my domme I would have to sub to someone else. She believes its a deeper side of me than I thought it was a couple years ago. I hadnt realised she knew it ran that deep. ps. I dont think she minds as long as there is no real sex involved.

2 When discussing what it would be like if we stopped she clearly thought that she would still own my cock and my orgasms. And that she would get her own way more. And that most if not all our sex would be kinky. Hmm, what then is the difference between that and being a domme? Like I say I think this runs deeper in her than she realises. I pointed out that if she decides not to have a d/s relationship then these things will not be there anymore. Sure we will have kinky sex, but also more vanilla sex. I would cum when I want. I would look after her but my own wishes would be more prominent than they are now. I dont think she liked this idea (LOL), but she took it on board. I need to be clear about it though, because if we carry on like that then its dominance in all but name, the relationship continues but she still hasnt asked me to marry her. I hope im making myself clear as its hard to pin it down.

In conclusion we have a long way to go, but I am optimistic that its a large storm in a medium sized teacup, but there are deep seated issues that need to be resolved, mostly in her head. I hope this will happen and not fall by the wayside. We are working towards that.


Milliscent said...

I think that all relationships must have such moments, but if we are willing to work at them, to keep trying, we can usually get through the emotional disasters.

I wish you both the very best as you work to overcome this.

MyKey said...

Thank you!