Things aren't as bad as they seemed in the summer. My last post was luckily at the trough of our sex life. It seems the counselling sandy did since last year is slowly paying off. Certainly she is much more at ease with her sexuality at the moment.
So much so she bought a nurse uniform for my Christmas present. Off her own bat. Tried it on and has promised me a lap dance very soon.
You know those days when you feel so helpless, so trapped and desperate that you just want to stand out in the street and scream out loud. I feel like that, I'm sure my chest is going to explode.
These are times when I despair for the future of my marriage and am so so scared that one day I'm going to walk away from it, that I won't have a choice but to do that or go insane. I love my wife so much it hurts, absolutely and utterly in every way. But sexually we've never been on the same level, so far apart in fact that there seems no compromise to be had that keeps me sane, keeps me feeling like I am being true to who I am.
How deeply I need sex, sensuality, and just plain kinky fun in my life will never go away. If I go without I die slowly inside. Sounds like I'm being a diva, a bit of a selfish prick? Well fuck I have tried for years to live with it, to limit that side of me, to accept less than I need. It's driving me to depression.
I've been masturbating so much the last few months to take the pressure off my wife that I have lost all pleasure in it. It feels like a sick joke. I cant even get it up properly because it's so uninteresting. Yet my need for sexuality won't let go either, my soul yearns for it and masturbation just rubs my nose in it, reminds me what I'm missing rather than slaking that drive.
No problem getting it up with my wife, none at all. There is no physical problem, a real life partner makes it a very different ball game. I do however feel mixed about having sex with her, knowing that each event will be a taster that reminds me what I love, but once over will leave me looking at a long dry spell ahead, just as I've got started.
I used to want sex most days when I was younger. As our marriage went on it became 3 or so times a week. Then twice. Then maybe once or twice. Each time I would think its as low as it would go, and my wife would assure me that she wouldn't want to let it get less often. Since Xmas it's been once a week, at first it was once a week but by the time the week rolled around sandy was horny and well up for it, so we would have really good fun sex. I told myself that given the damage done at Xmas that we were still recovering from, and the fact that she really needed it by then, that it was ok. I tried to accept that frequency, thinking we had finally hit a baseline and it wouldn't go lower yet again. I managed to be ok with this for months, believing that if anything the only way was up as we slowly sorted out the issues from last Xmas.
Then summer arrives, a bit more pressure and next thing we are down to once a week and it's usually just a quicky, and more scary than that, she doesn't seem to miss it or need something more even after a week. So this isn't the bottom, that lies further down still. My fun side has ideas coming out of my ears and my only outlet is one quicky a week, and even that could be missed and she probably wouldn't mind.
How much further can I compromise. I can't do this. I'm not this person.
She wants to help, she isn't uncaring, and she is kinky. But in the real world of work and kids, she simply allows it to switch off, and she can't make herself want more. It's just not who she is. And believe me she has tried.
I'm scared. I can't imaging life without her, yet I'm starting to be able to see myself waking up one day, when the kids are older, and having to walk out for good for the sake of my own sanity. I really don't want that for myself and I don't want to ever do that to her either. After all we are in love. We are best friends. That's not just words its deeply true.
If anyone is thinking once a week is good, they wish they had it even that often and I should be happy I have that much. I've tried believe me, but that is a gulf from the fun kinky sensual man I really am. A world away from what I need. And besides even that often is a push recently. I look at the trajectory of our future and ask where will it go next, where will it end?
I'm screaming so loud inside myself that I could shatter worlds.
We awoke Saturday morning. Sandy and I hadn't fooled around for a week so she was extremely horny. We find after a week she becomes much hornier, and with that much naughtier. This morning I also very excitable! It was more than a few days since I had last cum, these days I usually masturbate at least every other day. We started fooling around almost as soon as we woke, sandy wet and responsive very quickly, and we started we both were talking a little bit dirty to each other. I don't recall what set this off but after a few minutes we started to fantasise about locking my cock up...
'go and do it' she says.
'what?', I am incredulous. She's telling me to lock myself away? But I'm already gagging for an orgasm. 'do you really mean it?'
Absolutely, she was adamant, in fact her eyes were shining with lust. 'Now!!!' she ordered. Pushed me away from her swollen, hot pussy, her soft warm body. She pushed her own fingers between her lips teasing herself while I was cast aside to lock away any chance of orgasm. As if that wasn't bad enough she made sure to touch herself and arch her back, pout her breasts, lick her lips, and make it very hard for me to get the cock cage on.
Once I was locked up I dived back in to bed, ready to take over, touch her, soak up her lust. She had other ideas.
'I want pee on your cock' she breathed. Again I was surprised but she grabbed me and ran to the shower where I was pushed down to sit on the floor. She squatted over me, her swollen pussy looking delicious, spreading open with her wide spread thighs, I touched her then took my hand away as she concentrated and let out a hot, wet stream of piss aimed right at my erect (but caged) cock, my balls, and my stomach. I could feel it, really hot, heating my very sensitive cock head, trickling and warming my balls and down to my ass crack it was the most delicious, dirty, erotic sensation I've felt in a long time. My balls especially felt fantastic being bathed in her kinky heat.
She peed until she was done then stood up. Without even hesitating I leaned in to lick her pussy, drops still glistening on her smooth lips. I love going down on sandy and this was deliciously taboo. She was wet, wet with pee, slick with arousal, delicious tasting and so hot on my lips and tongue. I licked, fucked her hole, teased her clit, and amazingly she was loving it! (sandy has never been in to receiving oral). As I licked her clit she started to fuck my face, thrusting her hips at me, pushing her pussy roughly against my mouth, forcing me to lick her clit hard. Almost controlling the oral with her face fucking, she got more vocal, more rough, she loves that fucking sensation with strap on play so I'm sure that 'in control fucking his face' feeling added to it for her, so much that within minutes, standing up, my face crushed against her wet pussy, she came, hard, into my mouth. She cried out, ground against me one more time, then sank to the floor and flopped into my arms.
After I turned on the shower we must have sat there a full five minutes, waiting for her to come back to earth, and me to get a grip on my intense, overwhelming arousal.
She later said she had been thinking about doing that for a long time, and it felt exactly how she had imagined it....
Spent Saturday night with friends clubbing. Kinky clubbing. I can honestly say it was great fun.
For starters the people I've met over the last couple of years are great people and great company.
For the second I was enjoying leading my sandy, totally naked apart from heels, stay-ups, collar and leash, around a crowded club. Making her face a group of people who were enjoying the view, spread her legs, but banned from opening her eyes. The look of utter disbelief and embarrassment on her face was such a delicious pleasure for me.
After I made her crawl to some equipment on which she knelt as I played with her shaved pussy it became very apparent that her body had enjoyed it too! A lot!
Turns out our friends had seen our show and also enjoyed it.
And now? well we aren't being Domme and sub full time, but we are well and truly back in love, and we sure are having some very good and very kinky sex. Which often she initiates. Hard to believe she was wondering if she likes it only a few months ago. If I had more time id write about it but work is crazy these days.
The damage he did would have faded much much faster than it did if we had gone back to our lives after kicking him out. We didn't. He had been making sandy feel uncomfortable with d/s and kink in general. Ironic given how much he liked her being kinky with him. But he wasn't a smart chap.
Sandy, like many wives introduced to kink, and a repressed English girl with prudish parents and catholic to boot, has found it very hard to come to terms with being kinky. That the kink was 'imposed' from outside adds to her trouble with it as she feels controlled. It becomes a shield to hide behind rather than admitting to herself that she is kinky. So for many years she compartmentalised it, very well indeed. She could ignore it when not in the mood and enjoy it when she was.
His presence made her worlds collide.
So kink stopped, one of the strong basis of our marriage, my submission to her, stopped. And worse she made me feel it was a dirty thing. Something she never valued. She couldn't remember how happy she had been before the blow up. I felt rejected and dirty.
For the last few months she has been going to counselling to try to come to terms with who she is. Figure out who she is and what she really likes. Try to stop hiding behind these barriers. For some while she didn't know if she was kinky but as time has gone by she has realised (remembered?) she enjoys it a lot. She has remembered how happy we were beforehand. She is trying to reconcile her good girl and her bad one. And she's trying to learn not to fear her hedonistic side, a side she has kept boxed in for most of her life for fear that if she ever let's it out it would control her. She is finally letting down those walls. We neither of us know if it will help but she believes that it will, in time. How much or how long it will take who knows. She's got a lifetime of thinking to evaluate and possibly relearn.
As for me? I'm learning to trust again. And to come to terms with my own kinkiness again. Especially the submissiveness that I felt was rejected and undervalued. I don't know if I will ever fully submit to her again, but I suspect in time I will if she wants it.
Sandy hates to feel controlled. It's not surprising when you think about her Domme side. Her lovely boyfriend was constantly telling her that I'm controlling her, that I'm a dominating character. He did it because he wanted me to let him see even more of her and hoped she would push back. He also thought he was helping someone he cared about improve her life.
Marriages are subtle things. We make compromises and adjustments, nothing is perfect. I can be a dominant character which is why being Sandys sub worked well for us. It gave her back a large measure of control. It brought us close and brought intimacy to us without too much pressure for sex. But he made her suddenly hyper-aware of the compromises she makes. The man with two failed marriages was needling her about how she should not need to compromise. And in her stressed mental state, while consciously she was rejecting his statements, subconsciously they were making her feel more dissatisfied.
Guess who offered her an escape? We still both wonder if these games he played were on purpose to see more of her, or if even he in his weakness (he isnt a strong person) didn't realise what he was doing or why.
Sandy had been back at work full time in a stressful job for two years at that point. Along with looking after kids, doing homework, and all that jazz it doesn't leave much time for us to relax.
Sandy needs a lot of time to herself to centre herself. It's always been the way she is. The lack had built up and she knew it. She was almost cracking up even before the boyfriend came on the scene. We both knew it and we're trying to deal with it but what time we could make simply wasn't enough.
She suffers from sad (winter blues). It was mid winter, and we haven't had a good summer in the uk for years.
She's bored. Midlife crisis bored. We are looking to move job and move country just for an adventure. She was feeling hemmed in badly.
All this leads to a woman who was on the edge of breaking down. Not an end of the world mental breakdown but bad enough. You know when you feel boxed in on all sides and can't see any way out. When you aren't thinking straight and your emotions are all over the place.
Into all this came the boyfriend. I won't say much about him but in the end he turned out to be a poisonous character. Consciously or not he tried to come between us. Pressured sandy into seeing him too often, into letting her feelings go when she was trying to be more careful with them. Even threatening suicide when we were trying to back away from him. Since she did care about him then she kept being drawn back in by it.
In the end she cracked. I wish I could say I acted perfectly but I was too angry to be calm. I was forgiving but angry, stressed, and harsh at times. Felt very unsure of us for a while wondering why she would apparently value him highly enough to put our marriage second. Not realising quite how much the stress had affected her judgement. And only finding out as we talked more how much he had been lacing us with his lies.
Rebuilding trust is hard and takes time. I still occasionally wonder if she is cheating. I know she isn't, but I also know something I didn't know before. She is able to lie and be believable. So trust has to be on faith now, based on love alone. That's harder now than it used to be. It helps knowing that it wasn't done with malice but out of stress and a desperate need to avoid conflict.
So Sandy and I were close to breaking up over Christmas. We didn't, we are too in love and have a life and kids together. But we came close.
Why? Trust in a word. Sandy lied to me. Not once but three times. Each time she promised not to do it again. Each time it was harder for me to forgive and put my faith in her. The last time I almost kicked her out. I was angry, shouting and fuming. Only the fact that she was in the end honest with me saved the marriage. But under a huge amount of duress.
Why would a person in an open marriage lie, there is no need to! Well it's a lot more complex than that, in my next post I will try and explain.
The diary of a switch. I was once a kinky guy in a somewhat vanilla marriage with a lot of problems. My wife and I tried to accommodate my kinky needs and failed. After many difficult years we discovered she was dominant and she learnt to shuck off her years of repression and let herself go. We haven't looked back. This is about how we progressed out of her vanilla comfort zone, much much further than either of expected, and fell back in love with each other.
Email me if you like on mykeyman1 at googlemail dot com