Thursday, 4 October 2012

A scream out in the night.

You know those days when you feel so helpless, so trapped and desperate that you just want to stand out in the street and scream out loud. I feel like that, I'm sure my chest is going to explode.

These are times when I despair for the future of my marriage and am so so scared that one day I'm going to walk away from it, that I won't have a choice but to do that or go insane. I love my wife so much it hurts, absolutely and utterly in every way. But sexually we've never been on the same level, so far apart in fact that there seems no compromise to be had that keeps me sane, keeps me feeling like I am being true to who I am.

How deeply I need sex, sensuality, and just plain kinky fun in my life will never go away. If I go without I die slowly inside. Sounds like I'm being a diva, a bit of a selfish prick? Well fuck I have tried for years to live with it, to limit that side of me, to accept less than I need. It's driving me to depression.

I've been masturbating so much the last few months to take the pressure off my wife that I have lost all pleasure in it. It feels like a sick joke. I cant even get it up properly because it's so uninteresting. Yet my need for sexuality won't let go either, my soul yearns for it and masturbation just rubs my nose in it, reminds me what I'm missing rather than slaking that drive.

No problem getting it up with my wife, none at all. There is no physical problem, a real life partner makes it a very different ball game. I do however feel mixed about having sex with her, knowing that each event will be a taster that reminds me what I love, but once over will leave me looking at a long dry spell ahead, just as I've got started.

I used to want sex most days when I was younger. As our marriage went on it became 3 or so times a week. Then twice. Then maybe once or twice. Each time I would think its as low as it would go, and my wife would assure me that she wouldn't want to let it get less often. Since Xmas it's been once a week, at first it was once a week but by the time the week rolled around sandy was horny and well up for it, so we would have really good fun sex. I told myself that given the damage done at Xmas that we were still recovering from, and the fact that she really needed it by then, that it was ok. I tried to accept that frequency, thinking we had finally hit a baseline and it wouldn't go lower yet again. I managed to be ok with this for months, believing that if anything the only way was up as we slowly sorted out the issues from last Xmas.

Then summer arrives, a bit more pressure and next thing we are down to once a week and it's usually just a quicky, and more scary than that, she doesn't seem to miss it or need something more even after a week. So this isn't the bottom, that lies further down still. My fun side has ideas coming out of my ears and my only outlet is one quicky a week, and even that could be missed and she probably wouldn't mind.

How much further can I compromise. I can't do this. I'm not this person.

She wants to help, she isn't uncaring, and she is kinky. But in the real world of work and kids, she simply allows it to switch off, and she can't make herself want more. It's just not who she is. And believe me she has tried.

I'm scared. I can't imaging life without her, yet I'm starting to be able to see myself waking up one day, when the kids are older, and having to walk out for good for the sake of my own sanity. I really don't want that for myself and I don't want to ever do that to her either. After all we are in love. We are best friends. That's not just words its deeply true.

If anyone is thinking once a week is good, they wish they had it even that often and I should be happy I have that much. I've tried believe me, but that is a gulf from the fun kinky sensual man I really am. A world away from what I need. And besides even that often is a push recently. I look at the trajectory of our future and ask where will it go next, where will it end?

I'm screaming so loud inside myself that I could shatter worlds.


Ayesha said...

Rest assured u r not alone. Many want to scream for the same reasons. Some do. Most do not. All common stuff really. But why do u call ur blog "Well Outside Vanilla". Ur situation and how u react to it seems pretty vanilla to me.

MyKey said...

If you look back you will see it wasn't always like this. For a while it looked like we had solved our problems and all was good. That's when the blog started and was named.

Ayesha said...

Oh, i took care of that b4 i wrote my comment:)

Giles English said...

Most couples have their erotic ups and downs - this is a very couple-unfriendly era.

Just some ideas from my own experience and comparing notes with others:

What contraception is she on? That can play havoc with hormones.

What's her work life balance like? What's her work itself like? How are your material circumstances? Evolutionary psychology can switch off a woman's sex drive whenever the primitive part of the brain detects a time of trouble or of low energy. (Also when they have a young child.)

Does she have a social life outside work? Mental stimulation is often a prerequisite for feeling like a sexual adult. Perhaps she needs to get a buzz from her friends before she can get a buzz from you.

Do you take time to be be together just the two of you for non-sexual things? There's this thing called courtship...

Most of all, is your and her situation dynamic? Are there things in her life that drain her energy and attention that will pass? Then you have reason for optimism.

Anonymous said...

1. Show her this post.
2. Arrange for the two of you to meet with a relationship counsellor.

MyKey said...

Things aren't that simple I'm afraid, but thanks for the comments.

She isn't on birth control.
Work and home life is busy, but nothing can change on that front. We long ago made the improvements that are possible short of stopping work. Which isn't viable.
We spend a lot of time in each others company just being friends.
She has a reasonable non work social life.

She knows what's in this post. We have talked it to death.
She has been to a counsellor. The problem isn't lack of communication or anything like that. It's simply that she needs much less than I, and except when she is off work the gap is too large to manage well.

The only cyclical things at the moment would take us back from a very low point to a low point. The only high points we have had consistently are when she has much more time off. And as i said, that's not viable. Otherwise yes things will improve, but improve enough for me to be happy enough to stay? That's what scares me, short term yes, long term perhaps not.

Tamara said...

I haven't read too much of your blog, but I understand you are living in an open marriage.
So, maybe you should find yourself a girlfriend, someone to fulfill your sexual needs. - Might this be an option for you?

MyKey said...

Hi Tamara

Yes that's an option. In fact I'm considering it fairly seriously but my fear is that without enough intimacy at home it will lead to a distance between my wife and I, as eventually break up. It would have to be handled very carefully. Until now I've not availed myself of the openness for anything other than some very light hearted occasional play.

SexyLittleIdeas said...

You don't sound like a diva at all, just a regular, normal human being. When two people really love each other and yet their sex drives don't match up, I think that non-monogamy can be one of the only ways to prevent that situation from being a dealbreaker.