Thursday, 4 October 2012

A scream out in the night.

You know those days when you feel so helpless, so trapped and desperate that you just want to stand out in the street and scream out loud. I feel like that, I'm sure my chest is going to explode.

These are times when I despair for the future of my marriage and am so so scared that one day I'm going to walk away from it, that I won't have a choice but to do that or go insane. I love my wife so much it hurts, absolutely and utterly in every way. But sexually we've never been on the same level, so far apart in fact that there seems no compromise to be had that keeps me sane, keeps me feeling like I am being true to who I am.

How deeply I need sex, sensuality, and just plain kinky fun in my life will never go away. If I go without I die slowly inside. Sounds like I'm being a diva, a bit of a selfish prick? Well fuck I have tried for years to live with it, to limit that side of me, to accept less than I need. It's driving me to depression.

I've been masturbating so much the last few months to take the pressure off my wife that I have lost all pleasure in it. It feels like a sick joke. I cant even get it up properly because it's so uninteresting. Yet my need for sexuality won't let go either, my soul yearns for it and masturbation just rubs my nose in it, reminds me what I'm missing rather than slaking that drive.

No problem getting it up with my wife, none at all. There is no physical problem, a real life partner makes it a very different ball game. I do however feel mixed about having sex with her, knowing that each event will be a taster that reminds me what I love, but once over will leave me looking at a long dry spell ahead, just as I've got started.

I used to want sex most days when I was younger. As our marriage went on it became 3 or so times a week. Then twice. Then maybe once or twice. Each time I would think its as low as it would go, and my wife would assure me that she wouldn't want to let it get less often. Since Xmas it's been once a week, at first it was once a week but by the time the week rolled around sandy was horny and well up for it, so we would have really good fun sex. I told myself that given the damage done at Xmas that we were still recovering from, and the fact that she really needed it by then, that it was ok. I tried to accept that frequency, thinking we had finally hit a baseline and it wouldn't go lower yet again. I managed to be ok with this for months, believing that if anything the only way was up as we slowly sorted out the issues from last Xmas.

Then summer arrives, a bit more pressure and next thing we are down to once a week and it's usually just a quicky, and more scary than that, she doesn't seem to miss it or need something more even after a week. So this isn't the bottom, that lies further down still. My fun side has ideas coming out of my ears and my only outlet is one quicky a week, and even that could be missed and she probably wouldn't mind.

How much further can I compromise. I can't do this. I'm not this person.

She wants to help, she isn't uncaring, and she is kinky. But in the real world of work and kids, she simply allows it to switch off, and she can't make herself want more. It's just not who she is. And believe me she has tried.

I'm scared. I can't imaging life without her, yet I'm starting to be able to see myself waking up one day, when the kids are older, and having to walk out for good for the sake of my own sanity. I really don't want that for myself and I don't want to ever do that to her either. After all we are in love. We are best friends. That's not just words its deeply true.

If anyone is thinking once a week is good, they wish they had it even that often and I should be happy I have that much. I've tried believe me, but that is a gulf from the fun kinky sensual man I really am. A world away from what I need. And besides even that often is a push recently. I look at the trajectory of our future and ask where will it go next, where will it end?

I'm screaming so loud inside myself that I could shatter worlds.