I recently realised how much power a certain incident has held over me. As with so many others it began as a childhood taunt, meaningless and silly. Caught me unawares and left me wounded. I have been working to exorcise the incident and remove its impact on me.. writing it here is partly to help others who may have felt the same kind of shame, and show what can be done about it.
I will write this in a way that shows the effect it NO LONGER HAS over me. I will not relive it in a way as to strengthen its effect, but to negate its impact and leave it as a healthy distant memory.
I was 9. Already very much a sexual being with little knowledge but an interest. I had recently been told how babies were made by another kid, slightly inaccurately. Apparently a man sticks his willy in a womans bits and pees... Heheh, not exactly correct but hey i was 9. So one day i passed this information on to a friend, not a good friend but a friend. This is important, until i thought hard and relived the incident recently i hadnt remembered that he was someone i got on with. I told him, he looked unsure of what i said, perhaps uncomfortable. Then he laughed and said 'dirty simon'. I remembered this as a taunt, but i am not sure if it was said more than once or twice. It didnt catch on, i certainly wasnt called that for long.
Only i felt dirty ever since, at least the sexual part of me. Not a good way to begin your life especially when it turns out you are kinky. I believed it deep down, so if i ever opened up to anyone about my sexuality and got a similar reaction it just relived the feeling and strengthened the belief. Believe me it happened a lot since i was both so sexual and so sensitive about it.
I have fought it conciously for years with some success but not enough. It has even impacted my relationship. If i asked for something different and got refused, or she laughed, got uncomfortable or even said yes half heartedly, i felt uncomfartable and dirty. You can imagine that i was not then in the best state to convince her to meet my need, or show her it could be FUN. Was never lucky enough to have met as a partner a girl kinky enough to have helped me feel less alone.
So what happened? Well i have learnt a few techniques to soften the memory and accept the emotions that accompanied it. The memory is in black and white now, seen as if on a screen rather than being relived. The little boy who was me has the love and acceptance from me now, the love that he didnt have then. The boy who said something so small, in such passing, well he hasnt even been forgiven as there was nothing to forgive. He also has my love and always will.
And if ever i feel dirty again i will replay that memory and see it happen at a distance, in grainy black and white. It will happen to a little boy who now has my love and support and sits at a campfire with me watching it from a distance. The other boy also sits with us, also just a boy and i wrap him in my love too. My arm is around the younger me and he is ok, he is loved, and so am i.
I am ME, i am ok.