Post submissive feelings
There are those feelings when you have cum, sometimes you feel silly, embarassed or foolish. Why do I do this you ask? That's all I feel these days, but not it a bad way. Not feeling foolish, just asking why. I have no real interest in being a sub, giving control feels silly and numb to me. I don't want to be denied orgasm, or my wifes body. Reading stories that used to turn me on still do, just about, but in a very detached analytical way. My Id is looking down at the rest saying why? What's the point? So I don't crave it at all.
My sex drive probably isn't low, I cum every day or two. But it's not 'there' ever present. No gnawing craving butterflies. I used to miss it when they weren't there, now it's a relief.
So I am beginning to wonder, have I had It burned out of me? I always knew I was more of a switch, not totally a sub, but when I sub I go deep. I wonder if I went so deep and long this time that the curiosity has been slaked, which is one of my big drivers. I'm happy I've been there, very happy, I would always have wanted to try it if I hadn't. But now? I don't know. It's dangerous saying stuff when you are at a low point (sexually that is) just as what you say when horny isn't necessarily to be trusted. But right now I can believe that I will not sub again.
Play is different. I may not be missing it much now but it's fun, I like tickling, teasing, spanking. These games will happen sometimes. But that's not the same thing as being a sub.
That's all I have to say this morning. But if any readers have experienced this or similar for any length of time (a month for me now) I would love to hear your opinions.
M
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Friday, 4 December 2009
What's up doc?
Well not much.
We are growing together again, sandy and I. Trust is coming back. We are in love, very much so. But no kink, at least not much. I wonder if we will ever go back to domme sub. To be honest I'm not missing it. I don't know why. My sex drive is very low at the moment, of course I'm coming most days so that helps suppress it, lol! Masturbation of course, the love that dare not speak it's name in these parts. sandy isn't missing it either, still feeling a little unsure of herself. I also rather like having some of my freedom back, and being able to cum when I want. It's also very relaxing for me not to have the denial hunger gnawing at me constantly. It's more relaxing for sandy too. Even though we both loved it at the time.
Our 11 month ds period has had a few permanent changes. I still look for ways to look after her more than I used to, not that I was ever neglectful but it's upped the level some. She does for me too.
We did have a little kinky play last night. The first since the bustup. I had a long whipping that was great, got the endorphins flying high, felt like lighthearted fun. Sandy enjoyed it too. Afterwards we made love, good old fashioned fucking. She came once by my hand, then we came together wih me inside. Afterwards I lay in her arms feeling at peace with my wife. Later still we watched flashforward and i rubbed her feet. Quite nice having a but of kink and ending in a loving way.
So who knows, I suspect we will be 10% kinky 90% nilla for some time yet. But after 11 months that's probably no surprise. It's a change, one we probably needed. Someday we may explore 24/7 ds again, probably will in fact. But how soon is unclear.
We are growing together again, sandy and I. Trust is coming back. We are in love, very much so. But no kink, at least not much. I wonder if we will ever go back to domme sub. To be honest I'm not missing it. I don't know why. My sex drive is very low at the moment, of course I'm coming most days so that helps suppress it, lol! Masturbation of course, the love that dare not speak it's name in these parts. sandy isn't missing it either, still feeling a little unsure of herself. I also rather like having some of my freedom back, and being able to cum when I want. It's also very relaxing for me not to have the denial hunger gnawing at me constantly. It's more relaxing for sandy too. Even though we both loved it at the time.
Our 11 month ds period has had a few permanent changes. I still look for ways to look after her more than I used to, not that I was ever neglectful but it's upped the level some. She does for me too.
We did have a little kinky play last night. The first since the bustup. I had a long whipping that was great, got the endorphins flying high, felt like lighthearted fun. Sandy enjoyed it too. Afterwards we made love, good old fashioned fucking. She came once by my hand, then we came together wih me inside. Afterwards I lay in her arms feeling at peace with my wife. Later still we watched flashforward and i rubbed her feet. Quite nice having a but of kink and ending in a loving way.
So who knows, I suspect we will be 10% kinky 90% nilla for some time yet. But after 11 months that's probably no surprise. It's a change, one we probably needed. Someday we may explore 24/7 ds again, probably will in fact. But how soon is unclear.
Thursday, 12 November 2009
Short update
Well its been a while since I have been on, to be honest I havent been in the mood to write or do very much of anything else...
Up to early october things were ok. In fact the week before my birthday we had a very fun week. I was locked up for about 5 days straight in my neosteel (a first for that length of time). Sandy had a lot of fun at my expense, and even on my birthday I wasnt unlocked. My birthday present was to pleasure her. I might write more about that sometime.
Unfortunately within a few days of that things went pretty sour between us. So much so that I am no longer subbing to her. We have taken a step back from kink for a while. Its a bit of a relapse of our old problems.
Sandy naturally does not show her emotions, is not very demonstrative with her love. Thats not to say she doesnt love me, but her language of showing it isnt at all like mine. She also has a habit of becoming very insular, in her own world. At times like that I feel like I am just a breadwinner and aide round the house. If she is busy, stressed or ill, almost any stress in fact makes her react that way. Since about July one thing or another has led to her progressively withdrawing from the relationship. By the time of our week holiday (which I wrote about a while ago) she effectively spent pretty much the entire holiday in her own world, from which I was excluded. We probably had only a handful of quality exchanges during the entire week. she read, slept, ate, but wasnt 'present'. Since then it continued to get worse.
A couple of years back when we were at out lowest and close to divorce we both realised that the only way to recover was for each of us to take the others needs and prioritise them over our own. Only if we both did that would we both feel loved and looked after. It worked extremely well, until now. As she progressively gave less and less I continued to be supportive, probably even more so. We did talk about the change in her a few times, she agreed it was a problem and needed to turn it around. Problem is she didnt, she kept putting it off, saying she was trying but not actually changing anything. I got the distinct impression that she was waiting for a reduction in stress to hand it to her on a plate. But life's little stresses dont always go away when you need them to. Eventually, very soon after my birthday I cracked. We had a couple of very horrible weeks of arguments.
In short I dont feel good about being her sub anymore. I feel distant and unappreciated, and lacking in trust that she will care for me as much as I care for her.
We have gone beyond that point now, are starting to rebuild the love and trust for each other. Its difficult in a way, knowing she can do it now makes me wonder why she couldnt do it before it hurt me so badly. But it is changing. She is much more present and caring, and I am starting to want to care for her again. Its a hiccup, I am sure it will pass. But it is a nasty reminder of how bad things were between us a few years back. It is also showing that our relationship is more fragile than I thought it was. I hope we learn from this a little in order to make it less fragile.
She has made it clear that she would like me to be her sub again, that she liked it. I also feel like there is something missing, I liked putting her first. I am sure we will go back to those roles, but first we need to reconnect a bit more. We both feel it is a little too soon, but hope that it wont be too much longer. In the meantime we are making love a bit more, good old fashioned vanilla love. It is helping rebuild our closeness.
Anyway you havent heard the last from us.
Hope you are all well.
M
Up to early october things were ok. In fact the week before my birthday we had a very fun week. I was locked up for about 5 days straight in my neosteel (a first for that length of time). Sandy had a lot of fun at my expense, and even on my birthday I wasnt unlocked. My birthday present was to pleasure her. I might write more about that sometime.
Unfortunately within a few days of that things went pretty sour between us. So much so that I am no longer subbing to her. We have taken a step back from kink for a while. Its a bit of a relapse of our old problems.
Sandy naturally does not show her emotions, is not very demonstrative with her love. Thats not to say she doesnt love me, but her language of showing it isnt at all like mine. She also has a habit of becoming very insular, in her own world. At times like that I feel like I am just a breadwinner and aide round the house. If she is busy, stressed or ill, almost any stress in fact makes her react that way. Since about July one thing or another has led to her progressively withdrawing from the relationship. By the time of our week holiday (which I wrote about a while ago) she effectively spent pretty much the entire holiday in her own world, from which I was excluded. We probably had only a handful of quality exchanges during the entire week. she read, slept, ate, but wasnt 'present'. Since then it continued to get worse.
A couple of years back when we were at out lowest and close to divorce we both realised that the only way to recover was for each of us to take the others needs and prioritise them over our own. Only if we both did that would we both feel loved and looked after. It worked extremely well, until now. As she progressively gave less and less I continued to be supportive, probably even more so. We did talk about the change in her a few times, she agreed it was a problem and needed to turn it around. Problem is she didnt, she kept putting it off, saying she was trying but not actually changing anything. I got the distinct impression that she was waiting for a reduction in stress to hand it to her on a plate. But life's little stresses dont always go away when you need them to. Eventually, very soon after my birthday I cracked. We had a couple of very horrible weeks of arguments.
In short I dont feel good about being her sub anymore. I feel distant and unappreciated, and lacking in trust that she will care for me as much as I care for her.
We have gone beyond that point now, are starting to rebuild the love and trust for each other. Its difficult in a way, knowing she can do it now makes me wonder why she couldnt do it before it hurt me so badly. But it is changing. She is much more present and caring, and I am starting to want to care for her again. Its a hiccup, I am sure it will pass. But it is a nasty reminder of how bad things were between us a few years back. It is also showing that our relationship is more fragile than I thought it was. I hope we learn from this a little in order to make it less fragile.
She has made it clear that she would like me to be her sub again, that she liked it. I also feel like there is something missing, I liked putting her first. I am sure we will go back to those roles, but first we need to reconnect a bit more. We both feel it is a little too soon, but hope that it wont be too much longer. In the meantime we are making love a bit more, good old fashioned vanilla love. It is helping rebuild our closeness.
Anyway you havent heard the last from us.
Hope you are all well.
M
Sunday, 11 October 2009
Architect of your own downfall
ptathuk posted a wonderful captioned image (do check it out!).
It got me thinking how much life between my wife and I has changed. When we met she was very penetration centric. We fucked like rabbits. In fact she used to call foreplay a waste of time, tell me to hurry up and stop messing around and put it in her. Now we probably fuck a handful of times a year, if that. What changed?
I introduced her to tease and denial. I taught her to fantasise. I got so good at giving her orgasms with my hands while whispering naughty thoughts into her ear that she came to prefer that. During her first pregnancy we stopped fucking much as it was uncomfortable for her, by the end of that 9 months she was a lot naughtier, and we just never got back into it. Certainly the pregnancy and post pregnancy is part of why our style of sex changed, but I have no doubt that had I NOT introduced her to kink we would still be fucking...
Architect of my own demise!
Do I regret it though? The answer isnt obvious, what do you think?
M
It got me thinking how much life between my wife and I has changed. When we met she was very penetration centric. We fucked like rabbits. In fact she used to call foreplay a waste of time, tell me to hurry up and stop messing around and put it in her. Now we probably fuck a handful of times a year, if that. What changed?
I introduced her to tease and denial. I taught her to fantasise. I got so good at giving her orgasms with my hands while whispering naughty thoughts into her ear that she came to prefer that. During her first pregnancy we stopped fucking much as it was uncomfortable for her, by the end of that 9 months she was a lot naughtier, and we just never got back into it. Certainly the pregnancy and post pregnancy is part of why our style of sex changed, but I have no doubt that had I NOT introduced her to kink we would still be fucking...
Architect of my own demise!
Do I regret it though? The answer isnt obvious, what do you think?
M
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
O marker
Three lovely orgasms for sandy. Surprisingly she decided to give me one too. Absolutely mind blowing it was, aftershocks for ages.
A surprise as she had been demanding all night. Cups of tea, sat on the floor at her feet massaging them as she watched tv, etc.
Take what I can get though, and it was wonderful!
A surprise as she had been demanding all night. Cups of tea, sat on the floor at her feet massaging them as she watched tv, etc.
Take what I can get though, and it was wonderful!
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Morning love
Yesterday morning we made love. It started out as sex, sandy teasing my cock inside her with every intention of stopping. She did in fact for w while while I pleasures her. Once she was close however, we made love, ending in a simultaneous orgasm. A wonderful way to start the day. Vanilla lovemaking, I do actually miss it.
Seperatrly I had an accident a couple of days before as well, so she has added to my punishment for that. I am still not sated though, not after months of her control.
M
Seperatrly I had an accident a couple of days before as well, so she has added to my punishment for that. I am still not sated though, not after months of her control.
M
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
More dominant traits appear
Tonight sandy played domme again. Aftera short cuddle in bed she stated that she was about to brush her teeth, then she was going to read while I massage her feet. Bear in mind I still gave a cold, so this level of being demanding isn't like her. After brushing I was made to crawl on all fours to the bedroom and wait for her like that at the end of the bed. When she walked in she made me beg, not ask but beg, to be allowed to kiss her feet. I was very embarrassed, it took a couple of minutes to get so i could do it to her satisfaction. She pointed her feet at me and then a very hard cock and horny subby knelt arse in air and face down kissing and worshipping her feet. I felt I was in my place, at the feet of the women i love and submit to.
Then she flounced away, shimmied out of her panties, and made me get started on her feet. It was all I could do not to jump that delectable arse as she uncovered it!
She told me that the power trip when I knelt and kissed made her tingly, turned her on. Of course her saying that turned me on even more.
Then she flounced away, shimmied out of her panties, and made me get started on her feet. It was all I could do not to jump that delectable arse as she uncovered it!
She told me that the power trip when I knelt and kissed made her tingly, turned her on. Of course her saying that turned me on even more.
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