Short update

Well its been a while since I have been on, to be honest I havent been in the mood to write or do very much of anything else...

Up to early october things were ok. In fact the week before my birthday we had a very fun week. I was locked up for about 5 days straight in my neosteel (a first for that length of time). Sandy had a lot of fun at my expense, and even on my birthday I wasnt unlocked. My birthday present was to pleasure her. I might write more about that sometime.

Unfortunately within a few days of that things went pretty sour between us. So much so that I am no longer subbing to her. We have taken a step back from kink for a while. Its a bit of a relapse of our old problems.

Sandy naturally does not show her emotions, is not very demonstrative with her love. Thats not to say she doesnt love me, but her language of showing it isnt at all like mine. She also has a habit of becoming very insular, in her own world. At times like that I feel like I am just a breadwinner and aide round the house. If she is busy, stressed or ill, almost any stress in fact makes her react that way. Since about July one thing or another has led to her progressively withdrawing from the relationship. By the time of our week holiday (which I wrote about a while ago) she effectively spent pretty much the entire holiday in her own world, from which I was excluded. We probably had only a handful of quality exchanges during the entire week. she read, slept, ate, but wasnt 'present'. Since then it continued to get worse.

A couple of years back when we were at out lowest and close to divorce we both realised that the only way to recover was for each of us to take the others needs and prioritise them over our own. Only if we both did that would we both feel loved and looked after. It worked extremely well, until now. As she progressively gave less and less I continued to be supportive, probably even more so. We did talk about the change in her a few times, she agreed it was a problem and needed to turn it around. Problem is she didnt, she kept putting it off, saying she was trying but not actually changing anything. I got the distinct impression that she was waiting for a reduction in stress to hand it to her on a plate. But life's little stresses dont always go away when you need them to. Eventually, very soon after my birthday I cracked. We had a couple of very horrible weeks of arguments.

In short I dont feel good about being her sub anymore. I feel distant and unappreciated, and lacking in trust that she will care for me as much as I care for her.

We have gone beyond that point now, are starting to rebuild the love and trust for each other. Its difficult in a way, knowing she can do it now makes me wonder why she couldnt do it before it hurt me so badly. But it is changing. She is much more present and caring, and I am starting to want to care for her again. Its a hiccup, I am sure it will pass. But it is a nasty reminder of how bad things were between us a few years back. It is also showing that our relationship is more fragile than I thought it was. I hope we learn from this a little in order to make it less fragile.

She has made it clear that she would like me to be her sub again, that she liked it. I also feel like there is something missing, I liked putting her first. I am sure we will go back to those roles, but first we need to reconnect a bit more. We both feel it is a little too soon, but hope that it wont be too much longer. In the meantime we are making love a bit more, good old fashioned vanilla love. It is helping rebuild our closeness.

Anyway you havent heard the last from us.

Hope you are all well.

M

Frustrating anger

Saturday morning the kids were away so we had an opportunity to play and take our time. It was fun, sexy, lovely. Sandy came twice, good strong orgasms. The first was with her on all fours over me in sixty nine position, her clit in my mouth being sucked hard while I pumped a large dildo into her arse, watching from so close as her arse kissed the dildo, stretched round it. As we did this she imagined making mesuck her while another man used her and fucked her arse, my getting covered in his cum as he pulled out. Yes she is getting into this humiliation game!

Anyway later in the morning we were fucking, her on top in cowgirl. I really thought given how needy I was that today she would let me cum, finally. I should have known better, she had commented earlier that i have only had one single proper orgasm this year, in the first week of January. She really seemed to get off on that thought. As she was fucking me I got very close to the edge, she said I was allowed to cum so I let myself go. She stopped! The orgasm had not even started but was just about to, yet it made me lose interest for a moment as if I had cum. Luckily she kept riding until the need to cum came back, but then she did it again! This time I lost it, no orgasm but cock going soft and over sensitive as she kept fucking me. The frustration was strange, horrible, I felt anger boiling up inside me. Not at her though, but at the situation. I have learned to appreciate spoiled orgasms, normally the event makes me frustrated, submissive, and amused, I laugh at the state she and I have got me into. This was different, it wasn't a spoiled orgasm as such, the cum hasn't actually started. The physical reaction in my body was a deep slow throbbing in my stomach, an overflow of hormones that made me emotional and angry despite myself, even though I am quite happy as her sub to be denied. A horrible feeling.

I didn't take it out in her, but it showed enough for her to know something was wrong. She was very caring about it, just what I needed. She held me and we hugged as we talked, I assured her that i was not annoyed with her, that the feeling was hormonal not emotional. Anyway it passed and she teased me to the edge once more, just to 'make me feel better', hah!

Of course i didn't get to cum. She admitted that she had never intended to let me, although she hadn't intended what had happened she was aiming for a normal spoiled orgasm. My submissive feelings shot up as she said this. Even with such an uncomfortable event she didn't crack, didn't stop and let me off the hook. She was strict and still enjoying herself which is wonderful and unexpected. Luckily that set of circumstances is so hard to achieve that even if she wanted to try, which she doesn't, I doubt we could recreate it. So a learning moment that with hindsight is quite funny.

Very strange though, totally irrational feelings. Not nice!

Last night as we cuddled and went to sleep I asked if I could, she said no. I called her mean and she laughed and said its great isn't it. Then she said something the force of which hit me much later, 'I'm not sure who is enjoying this more, me or you'. Well that's scary fun, be careful what you wish for hey? I really want to cum, but this train isn't about to stop :)