Can we ever go back?

I have often wondered about this question and certain conversations recently on the chastity forums have got me thinking again. I think for us the answer is no, we could not.

This has been a long slow progression to where we are today. Lots of stops and reversals along the way since I introduced kink to our life. For most of the time I was the dominant one, both day to day and in the bedroom. Once we started switching roles it was still a game. Sandy wasnt sure she enjoyed it much for some years, and didnt think she was comfortable in the dominant role. So it remained a game, she liked aspects of it, tickling and teasing, but mostly it remained something we did now and then for fun.

Three years ago that changed. The reasons I wont go into here, but they were changes in my wife that were not only related to kink but to her whole life. She discovered parts of herself she had not known existed and became pretty quickly comfortable letting herself go. This included in the bedroom, with kink generally, and with her dominance also. She blossomed. With it our marriage also blossomed, and at the same time I made many changes in my interaction with her to support and care for her more. In time this has all got tied up with the d/s life we now lead.

She loves being in control, in and out of the bedroom. Its 24/7 but not in the total power exchange sense. We speak as equals, I will stand up when I feel strongly about things. But what works for her is that she knows that if she gives me that look, if she tells me to go do, I will do it. Quickly. She can stop me in my tracks and redirect me. She can offload her work on to me and while she still occasionally feels bad about it, especially when im tired too, knows that I will do it, because she wants it, because she needs to relax, because I love her and want her to be able to relax the stresses in her mind and offload them, on to me if necessary. These things make her feel loved, supported, and the control aspect makes her feel powerful and completely worshipped. Its fun, loving, caring, exciting and even a bit mean at times. Yes she has a mean streak and loves to let it out, many interactions between us now involve something a bit teasing or mean. A shadow of a kiss that doesnt quite connect leaving me gasping for her, a smack on the arse or a pinch of the nipple, her sliding her clothes from her body seductively at night knowing I am transfixed, and knowing she has denied me orgasm. A tickle before bedtime. These are also constants in our life now.

There is also a great deal of vanilla love, hugs, kisses, from the outside you would not see any of the d/s. But we know the edge that lies beneath it always.

Whats in it for me? Well Im submissive, more so than I used to realise. Its such a sexual thrill seeing the disparity between us, seeing her getting more sex than me, asking, no lets be honest sometimes ordering me to do certain chores while she sits and reads her book. Handing me her empty plate with a haughty air for me to take to the dishwasher (with a touch of a tongue in cheek smile). She is a buzzy woman who finds it hard to relax, i have spent years trying to help her do it. So I get fulfilled knowing this lifestyle has empowered her to relax more often without guilt, and I also benefit later that day from a happier more relaxed partner. I feel like I have looked out for her. Any man with a protective nurtering nature will know how much it means to protect the woman you love from lifes troubles, and I often feel that sense strongly.

And the sex... Its fantastic. She has it turns out a hell of a sadistic streak, and I have a hell of a masochistic one. We click in the bedroom and are always exploring old games, and occasionally new ones. She can be very mean, more so than I would always want, which of course feeds the submissive in me because I am having my limits pushed, and encourages her dominance to grow also, which makes her feel free, but also paradoxically makes her feel loved.

Notice how often I have mentioned love and care. And thats the rub. This lifestyle has brought out a level of love and caring for each other that we never had consistently before. We had flashes of it but we never knew how to sustain it. This way of interacting, these roles we have taken on provide a framework for interaction that encodes within it those things we both value as our own love language. It has also brought a fantastic sex life and an outlet for her dominant nature and my submissive side. Last but not least it has given her, in her own head, permission to break free her inner passion.

In the last three years we have forgotten how to be vanilla. Now and then we have a break for a change, but we dont know what to do. How to interact day to day, how to have sex. Its a lovely change but thats all it is, a break. I never quite shake off being her sub, she never quite shakes off her teasing nature. In bed we have to work hard to stay vanilla as we keep sliding back into our d/s roles. Partly this is habit, but mostly it is that this is now who we are. As Thumper said in his post stacks, this has now become one of the most solid foundations of our marriage.

It took a long time to get here, but I firmly believe that to go back now would be almost impossible and furthermore would risk the very marriage itself. As Sandy herself says (and it warms me to hear it), she doesnt see herself as sometimes wife or sometimes mistress, there is no longer a distinction, she is both. And same on my side for me. Its beautiful.

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One little side note. I revealed our lifestyle to a very close vanilla friend of mine recently. He was curious as to why we were so much happier these days, and I know him so well that if I cant tell him it would feel like a lie between us. I trust him. So I told him the whole story (without the gory details!!!).

Surprisingly he almost completely understood. He did wonder how being told to do stuff regularly didnt make me get rebellious, but kind of understood that it met my need to care for my wife. I asked him if he had noticed anything between Sandy and I earlier in the evening (she had left by this time) and he said no. All he had seen was a couple in love who interact lovingly and touch each other a lot in passing. He had not noticed, even once I pointed it out, the occasional look she had used on me, the teasing one, or the do this now or else one. Open air dominance and submission yet even a close friend had no inkling anything was going on. Sandy and I find that very entertaining.

Problems and consequences

Inevitably problems have reared their head. There are quite a few factors that have come into play and caused this, and Sandy and I had a very nasty few days with lots of arguments. Now sorted, I think.

Historically we used to have problems with Sandy spending quality time with me, in that she didnt and we were growing apart. Its something I am sensitive about. She also has a very hot temper and when under stress it can come out. When its out its really bad! Over the last few months with her being back at work and us socialising more as the kids grow up she has found herself more tired and stressed, even with the extra load I have taken on. This has meant a nasty argument about once a month. She sings in a choral society twice a week, plays piano, now also sees her boyfriend once a week, and of course we see normal friends. Doesn't leave a lot of time in the evening once kids are thrown into the equation. Our already somewhat limited time has been put under more pressure.

Trying to work with that we have been more proactive about arranging time with each other, but so far its not worked. Sometimes she is tired, exacerbated by her other interests. Sometimes she has been more focussed on texting the new guy rather than focussing on us. Up to a point this is natural, its new and exciting, but a balance needs to be struck and it hadn't been. Finally as she is still a bit shy about it she tends to talk a lot about him in non-sexual aspects, but the fun stuff she has tended to keep to herself. Since this is something we are doing together its become a bit less together as a result. He has also fallen for her, and though I know he isnt a threat the emotion he has developed has triggered a touch of jealousy on my part, which I am working through.

The lack of time and togetherness preceedes the boyfriend by a long way. This hiccup is 70% work and life and our history, and 30% the extra pressure related to him. Though I concede that it was perhaps the trigger on an already time pressured week.

Cue a few days on very nasty arguments. Actually two very simple issues related to managing the above, that could easily have been sorted out had her stress and temper not caused it to get out of hand. Its taken a good three days to cool off and talk through enough of it to make headway. The solution is fairly simple, make more effort to spend quality time with each other. Sandy is considering dropping one of her singing groups to make more time for herself as she feels she needs to relax more. Finally she had not realised that she hadnt been telling me enough about her and the guy, and admitted that in the cold light of day she is too shy to get into any detail. So she agreed that sometimes when we play she will tell me more and tease me. Not that it was hard to get her to agree, she loves to tease me about it and did often when we were just thinking of getting into this. So effectively she is remembering to do something she loves.

Finally of course a little more communication between us while I get used to the idea that while this isnt a threat to us, there is more emotion than we expected. That takes getting used to.

I am very grateful to three fellow bloggers for advice that helped. Mistress Milliscent who advised that this takes adjustment, and one who will remain anonymous (if you are reading you know who you are) who told me about his own experience and the need for communication, and Heels who similarly gave me her experience. Thanks to you guys I was careful to talk about these issues before they had become too big to deal with.

So we are back in a good place, and soon i will write about the next time we had sex :)

ps. In case it seems that she is at fault and I am not, I also have a very hot temper, and while I did not start these arguments, once they flared I was no saint!

pps. I missed my deadline for shaving myself because of the above. I remembered but was too fired up to do it. I have been told to expect a punishment for taking too long. This makes me feel happy, loved and forgiven. Strange I know but its reaffirming that we are happy, that I am her sub and she loves me enough to want it.

Birthday card

For my birthday sandy sent me a lovely card saying that we had had our best year yet. This felt great to hear. She also signed it off with her mistress name, used on her ic profile. The gooey subby feeling as I read it was overwhelming. She said later that she did it because its now so much part of who we are, and that she thinks it has significantly contributed to our happiness.

Some realities of having a third man around

As the play with the other guy progresses the reality of having another person in the scene is starting to be apparent. As so often the fantasy and the reality are not the same, and reality is harder and more nuanced.

The other guy is aware we have an open relationship, that I know everything that goes on between them. There are no real secrets between Sandy and I, nor could there be. But Sandy and I have talked and fantasised about this kind of relationship for several years and are deeply aware of what open means to us. To us it means we come first, that she loves me, respects me, fancies the pants off me. We have history, children and a future that neither of us would walk away from. I don't think he fully understands this yet. He understands open in theory yet as far as we can tell cant quite believe it. He says he wouldn't share a woman like her if they were together. Thats fine and understandable but that and similar comments show that he is far from understanding that we aren't sharing the part of her that makes us a couple in love. Its very hard to be sure because like so many men he isn't that open about feelings, but occasionally we wonder if he realises that Sandy fooling around is not in any way indicative of a flaw in our relationship.

We also know that he has become very infatuated with her. Easy to do, Sandy is an absolute gem, her personality shines bright. He is in the honeymoon stage where she can do no wrong, he hasn't seen her flaws, the aspects of her that in her own words would drive him potty and make them unsuited in the long term. He is getting rather romantic and every now and then Sandy has to back off and make the boundaries clear. Cue a slightly hurt backtrack as he says that he is a big boy and capable of looking after himself. We are sure he is, but fundamentally he seems the type to fall in 'love' easily and even if he can survive it not being reciprocated we still don't want to hurt his feelings. Its a new relationship (theirs that is) and like all new relationships it takes a bit of time to settle down and find its boundaries. We are going through that stage now. I think that if this aspect of it doesn't settle down soon Sandy will put an end to the whole thing, for his sake. The next few weeks will be key.

Due to the feelings he has for her and the fact that he just isn't comfortable with that kind of thing I need to stay off the scene. There will be no watching while tied in the corner, no listening on the end of a phone. I will be lucky to get the odd picture. Our fantasies would ideally include me more, but as so often once you start this process you don't always get quite what you wanted. So I enjoy imagining what they are up to, she enjoys telling me all about it. The rest will have to remain a fantasy. Not that this ruins the experience, its still fun, but its not the fantasy ideal.

Finally he seems to be a long way from understanding real dominance and submission. He doesn't know that we are in a d/s relationship and Sandy doesn't think she wants to tell him as she suspects he would get an incorrect impression on me. Not knowing she is dominant means that a large part of who she is nowadays is a mystery to him, and though she intends to tell him a bit about that side of her character its not something she thinks he will grok. (who remembers the term grok, does that make me a real geek?) Again this is not unexpected, it takes people years in this scene to understand the nuances of a d/s relationship, and the nuances of a dominant or submissive character. 'Vanilla' people just think of it as a sexual thing.

So all of this sounds vaguely negative. In fact apart from the possibility that his feelings for her are too strong the rest just is what it is. It needs to be worked through, and Sandy and I work with what we have.

Its a lot of fun, but lets be honest and open about the trickier aspects.

Why does she cuckold her man?

Ive read Dev's thoughts on cuckolding which inspired me to write a short post about what we are getting out of it. I should say at the start that I am as irritated by the close link between chastity, cuckolding, and im a useless worm style fantasy. Especially when that fantasy is made out to be real. The end result is that a person, usually a woman coming online to research this thing they have been asked to play with, finds a lot of scary, extreme and emotionally upsetting claptrap. In that I agree with her, Tom, Maymay, Sarah, Thumper and many others who reject the association between kink, submission and weakness. I admit also that cuckolding is an extreme fantasy, one of the most extreme, simply because society for thousands of years has taught us that almost the worst thing we can do in a relationship is to play away, because a woman wants to love and respect her man and not do anything to threaten that, and because it seems very risky and it can be!

That said this post is going to address why we do it, in the context of a healthy happy loving marriage.

I wish I could start by writing a long post on my thoughts, one that would address everything perfectly, clarify my and Sandys thoughts and emotions perfectly, make clear how we feel. Sadly ive been beaten to the punch by queen KC who wrote a post that so perfectly summarises it that im just going to link to it and not try to reinvent the wheel badly. Please read this before you carry on. I emailed this to Sandy. My wife is put off by extreme fantasy or badly written silliness. She is very open minded but as any long time reader of my blog knows she struggled to embrace her and my kinky side for many years. Yet her response to the article was 'Sounds just like us!'. KC summarises it perfectly. Sandy loves me, fancies me, respects and admires me. She finds me gentle and loving, smart and dependable, and sexy as hell even after 15 years together. One reason she hasnt even considered played with anyone else before is because for her I set a very high bar. Why bother to play with someone who is so much less attractive. But having found someone who does appeal (physically and friendship wise, NOT emotionally) she has very much enjoyed playing away so far.

She likes to humiliate me, I enjoy it too. This wouldnt work if it was true that I was useless, it works because it is a game. Sure im embarrassed but I know im not really 'dicklet', in fact I know she loves my cock a lot. I find it hard to strip off and show myself to her while wearing her panties because I know and she knows I look ridiculous. Yet she loves the fact that I do it as it shows the power she has over me, she cant believe I do what she says but gets off on it. Humiliation is one way to amplify that feeling. Plus its just FUN!

For now she enjoys playing away. All this fun we have at home makes her horny. She isnt going and spending that energy elsewhere, this isnt a zero sum game. Playing and flirting with him makes her more horny, the amount of sex we have has gone up since she started doing this. The intimacy between us has gone up even more, we are sharing a naughty secret. We laugh about it, fantasise and talk about it. Its one more thing to share and therefore brings us together. When I look at her I see a woman I love and lust after through my eyes and his, she becomes even more attractive to me. When she comes home to me she is reminded every time of how lucky she is, how much she truly appreciates and wants me, she has said so. The taking for granted that develops over the years is shed when she gets back having tasted something different and sees that what she has is better! Oh and did i mention, its also just plain FUN! Lets not underestimate that, analysis aside its fun for her playing around doing new things with new people, and its fun for me hearing about it.

Not sure I can add much to this, what do you think?

M

Short update

Well its been a while since I have been on, to be honest I havent been in the mood to write or do very much of anything else...

Up to early october things were ok. In fact the week before my birthday we had a very fun week. I was locked up for about 5 days straight in my neosteel (a first for that length of time). Sandy had a lot of fun at my expense, and even on my birthday I wasnt unlocked. My birthday present was to pleasure her. I might write more about that sometime.

Unfortunately within a few days of that things went pretty sour between us. So much so that I am no longer subbing to her. We have taken a step back from kink for a while. Its a bit of a relapse of our old problems.

Sandy naturally does not show her emotions, is not very demonstrative with her love. Thats not to say she doesnt love me, but her language of showing it isnt at all like mine. She also has a habit of becoming very insular, in her own world. At times like that I feel like I am just a breadwinner and aide round the house. If she is busy, stressed or ill, almost any stress in fact makes her react that way. Since about July one thing or another has led to her progressively withdrawing from the relationship. By the time of our week holiday (which I wrote about a while ago) she effectively spent pretty much the entire holiday in her own world, from which I was excluded. We probably had only a handful of quality exchanges during the entire week. she read, slept, ate, but wasnt 'present'. Since then it continued to get worse.

A couple of years back when we were at out lowest and close to divorce we both realised that the only way to recover was for each of us to take the others needs and prioritise them over our own. Only if we both did that would we both feel loved and looked after. It worked extremely well, until now. As she progressively gave less and less I continued to be supportive, probably even more so. We did talk about the change in her a few times, she agreed it was a problem and needed to turn it around. Problem is she didnt, she kept putting it off, saying she was trying but not actually changing anything. I got the distinct impression that she was waiting for a reduction in stress to hand it to her on a plate. But life's little stresses dont always go away when you need them to. Eventually, very soon after my birthday I cracked. We had a couple of very horrible weeks of arguments.

In short I dont feel good about being her sub anymore. I feel distant and unappreciated, and lacking in trust that she will care for me as much as I care for her.

We have gone beyond that point now, are starting to rebuild the love and trust for each other. Its difficult in a way, knowing she can do it now makes me wonder why she couldnt do it before it hurt me so badly. But it is changing. She is much more present and caring, and I am starting to want to care for her again. Its a hiccup, I am sure it will pass. But it is a nasty reminder of how bad things were between us a few years back. It is also showing that our relationship is more fragile than I thought it was. I hope we learn from this a little in order to make it less fragile.

She has made it clear that she would like me to be her sub again, that she liked it. I also feel like there is something missing, I liked putting her first. I am sure we will go back to those roles, but first we need to reconnect a bit more. We both feel it is a little too soon, but hope that it wont be too much longer. In the meantime we are making love a bit more, good old fashioned vanilla love. It is helping rebuild our closeness.

Anyway you havent heard the last from us.

Hope you are all well.

M

Interesting comment made by Sandy

Sandy and I went to a play club a week ago. We used to go with her as the sub years ago, but these days I'm the one that gets toyed and tormented. While there we saw a lovely girl in a pony girl outfit, blindfold and having her nipples tortured with a horse tail plug in her arse. Sandy loved this and later at home while pleasuring her i convinced her to let me try it sometime soon. On her. She made an interesting comment...

She agreed (she likes to play sub sometimes, on her terms), but not at our usual club. She preferred to be known only in her Domme role there. I don't know why but that spoke to me strongly of how much more seriously she takes her dominance. Yes its a game we play, we don't take it too seriously, but if it was just play she wouldn't mind being seen to swap on occasion. She likes her new role!

I appreciate that!

Be careful what you wish for

I always wanted to know what it was like to be dominated. Truly dominated, not slight pretend domination. The kind of domination that required me to control myself, exaggerate the control I was under, submit to a greater extent than the level of domination warranted. I always wondered, as do many subs I imagine, what it is like to be controlled beyond the point I was able to deal with, past the point I would ask for a break. Well past and to breaking point.

The chastity fantasist, and I have been one, wants to know what it is like to live in a relationship in which I was unable to cum, unable to ask and get, to be locked and unable to cheat. Given an orgasm a month if i was lucky and be screaming desperate even right after it. Absolute control, no cracks to take advantage of. Living my fantasy but gone so far beyond it I wanted out.

Well now I know, I finally know why it is some people say be careful what you wish for. It's really hard to live with, really hard. I love it, truly I do, I have craved such control as a sub for so long that having it meets a need so deep as to be utterly fulfilling. But the layers of me above that deep level, they scream for freedom, freedom to cum, to be sated. Freedom to take my wife like I used to. To feel her heat and wetness envelop me, and pound her and my sex drive into each other until they explode, a synergy of passions that crescendo and die away slowly.

Sandy kept me without for 6 weeks, much longer than my fantasies which were as a rule once a week. Then i had one orgasm, only one. She always liked to deny me for long periods but in the last few years at this point she would have had enough. I would have had a long period of not being in any way submissive. I would be sated. I would masturbate, fuck, be dominant at times. No longer. For example this time after I came she said she might stop, might have had enough. But since then every time we have had sex she has been adamant she doesn't want me to cum. It's just too much fun she says, and she has been completely unyielding in her decision. What's more she has taken to teasing me to the edge more, enjoying the look of sheer hunger and desperation. Enjoying not stopping when I beg her to stop, just edging that little bit more. This morning well after getting me close to cumming she sat on me, putting her hot, shaved pussy right on my cock and grinding herself on me till I almost came a few more times. I don't even remember the last time I was inside her, she doesn't crave it so I don't get it, simple as that. She doesn't feel at all guilty. But though I am gagging to feel my cock buried in her I know it may be months more before she wants that from me. Needless to say she gets to cum a lot though.

So I am still being denied, still controlled. not just my orgasm but other things as well. Massages, tea, doing the dishwasher, she asks but it's a strong request, and she likes the timescale to be on her terms. Again no guilt, rather an uninhibited enjoyment of her power to get what she wants, secure in the knowledge that I get off on it too.

Against all that I really want to cum, lots. I want to fuck her. Really really truly. This denial is way past my limit and I want it to end. But she doesn't, and her control means so much to me and she is so firm in her desire to deny that I will continue to suffer, to push my limits further, until she wants it otherwise. I can't do otherwise, that deep inner need ensures that. Too bad for the consious me.

True control feels different to the play that came before. It's a mental rollercoaster. I want and crave more, but I yearn for release. I can't even ask, I have 40 strikes with a riding crop already due me just for asking to cum (they hurt!). My mental chains and hers are driving me insane with need, a need that has no outlet. Mental bondage. I am emotionally needy, yet I must be strong and not abuse her by being overly demanding. I can't even scream out my frustration except when she allows it, when she is actively teasing. Even that outlet is dictated by her, denied to me.

All this may seem like we have a major sub Dom relationship. If you were to see us day to day you would see a normal couple. The control is a subtle undercurrent, a steel fist in a velvet glove. Hidden, not obvious, but very strong. Much of it seems vanilla from the outside, but it's not really, between us there is a power imbalance that we both know is there.

Be careful what you wish for!


Ps. Months ago Vixen commented that she didn't know how sandy could deny me my orgasms for so long, she really enjoys her own husband cumming. I know the answer now. I already knew that sandy isn't usually into penetrative sex, and that she has fun denying me. But I found out a few days ago that though she takes pleasure in me cumming, she takes more pleasure in seeing me hard. A lot more. When denied I am always hard for her, at the slightest provocation and even sometimes without that; proud and upstanding, iron hard. She loves that apparently, and it's another big factor in her enjoyment of my denial.

M