Sandy speaks

Referring to the last post about wether we can go back. I think you say it all really. You are right that the whole marriage would be affected if we tried to go back. I think the marriage would survive but might be tough going for a while, but it is a moot point really! Neither of us want to stop! It's weird though that I am enjoying vanilla elsewhere - maybe with time it will become less vanilla with him - I'm really not sure it will though.

I'm very happy with the way things are - it makes it easier to sit down and relax knowing you are happy to do the chores, I still struggle with that sometimes.

I'm worried after the weekend that it brings out too much selfishness. I don't worry any more that I am not kinky enough for you though!!! I will have to keep an eye on it to keep a reasonable balance between being in charge and getting my way with doing enough of what you need too.

Can we ever go back?

I have often wondered about this question and certain conversations recently on the chastity forums have got me thinking again. I think for us the answer is no, we could not.

This has been a long slow progression to where we are today. Lots of stops and reversals along the way since I introduced kink to our life. For most of the time I was the dominant one, both day to day and in the bedroom. Once we started switching roles it was still a game. Sandy wasnt sure she enjoyed it much for some years, and didnt think she was comfortable in the dominant role. So it remained a game, she liked aspects of it, tickling and teasing, but mostly it remained something we did now and then for fun.

Three years ago that changed. The reasons I wont go into here, but they were changes in my wife that were not only related to kink but to her whole life. She discovered parts of herself she had not known existed and became pretty quickly comfortable letting herself go. This included in the bedroom, with kink generally, and with her dominance also. She blossomed. With it our marriage also blossomed, and at the same time I made many changes in my interaction with her to support and care for her more. In time this has all got tied up with the d/s life we now lead.

She loves being in control, in and out of the bedroom. Its 24/7 but not in the total power exchange sense. We speak as equals, I will stand up when I feel strongly about things. But what works for her is that she knows that if she gives me that look, if she tells me to go do, I will do it. Quickly. She can stop me in my tracks and redirect me. She can offload her work on to me and while she still occasionally feels bad about it, especially when im tired too, knows that I will do it, because she wants it, because she needs to relax, because I love her and want her to be able to relax the stresses in her mind and offload them, on to me if necessary. These things make her feel loved, supported, and the control aspect makes her feel powerful and completely worshipped. Its fun, loving, caring, exciting and even a bit mean at times. Yes she has a mean streak and loves to let it out, many interactions between us now involve something a bit teasing or mean. A shadow of a kiss that doesnt quite connect leaving me gasping for her, a smack on the arse or a pinch of the nipple, her sliding her clothes from her body seductively at night knowing I am transfixed, and knowing she has denied me orgasm. A tickle before bedtime. These are also constants in our life now.

There is also a great deal of vanilla love, hugs, kisses, from the outside you would not see any of the d/s. But we know the edge that lies beneath it always.

Whats in it for me? Well Im submissive, more so than I used to realise. Its such a sexual thrill seeing the disparity between us, seeing her getting more sex than me, asking, no lets be honest sometimes ordering me to do certain chores while she sits and reads her book. Handing me her empty plate with a haughty air for me to take to the dishwasher (with a touch of a tongue in cheek smile). She is a buzzy woman who finds it hard to relax, i have spent years trying to help her do it. So I get fulfilled knowing this lifestyle has empowered her to relax more often without guilt, and I also benefit later that day from a happier more relaxed partner. I feel like I have looked out for her. Any man with a protective nurtering nature will know how much it means to protect the woman you love from lifes troubles, and I often feel that sense strongly.

And the sex... Its fantastic. She has it turns out a hell of a sadistic streak, and I have a hell of a masochistic one. We click in the bedroom and are always exploring old games, and occasionally new ones. She can be very mean, more so than I would always want, which of course feeds the submissive in me because I am having my limits pushed, and encourages her dominance to grow also, which makes her feel free, but also paradoxically makes her feel loved.

Notice how often I have mentioned love and care. And thats the rub. This lifestyle has brought out a level of love and caring for each other that we never had consistently before. We had flashes of it but we never knew how to sustain it. This way of interacting, these roles we have taken on provide a framework for interaction that encodes within it those things we both value as our own love language. It has also brought a fantastic sex life and an outlet for her dominant nature and my submissive side. Last but not least it has given her, in her own head, permission to break free her inner passion.

In the last three years we have forgotten how to be vanilla. Now and then we have a break for a change, but we dont know what to do. How to interact day to day, how to have sex. Its a lovely change but thats all it is, a break. I never quite shake off being her sub, she never quite shakes off her teasing nature. In bed we have to work hard to stay vanilla as we keep sliding back into our d/s roles. Partly this is habit, but mostly it is that this is now who we are. As Thumper said in his post stacks, this has now become one of the most solid foundations of our marriage.

It took a long time to get here, but I firmly believe that to go back now would be almost impossible and furthermore would risk the very marriage itself. As Sandy herself says (and it warms me to hear it), she doesnt see herself as sometimes wife or sometimes mistress, there is no longer a distinction, she is both. And same on my side for me. Its beautiful.

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One little side note. I revealed our lifestyle to a very close vanilla friend of mine recently. He was curious as to why we were so much happier these days, and I know him so well that if I cant tell him it would feel like a lie between us. I trust him. So I told him the whole story (without the gory details!!!).

Surprisingly he almost completely understood. He did wonder how being told to do stuff regularly didnt make me get rebellious, but kind of understood that it met my need to care for my wife. I asked him if he had noticed anything between Sandy and I earlier in the evening (she had left by this time) and he said no. All he had seen was a couple in love who interact lovingly and touch each other a lot in passing. He had not noticed, even once I pointed it out, the occasional look she had used on me, the teasing one, or the do this now or else one. Open air dominance and submission yet even a close friend had no inkling anything was going on. Sandy and I find that very entertaining.

Problems and consequences

Inevitably problems have reared their head. There are quite a few factors that have come into play and caused this, and Sandy and I had a very nasty few days with lots of arguments. Now sorted, I think.

Historically we used to have problems with Sandy spending quality time with me, in that she didnt and we were growing apart. Its something I am sensitive about. She also has a very hot temper and when under stress it can come out. When its out its really bad! Over the last few months with her being back at work and us socialising more as the kids grow up she has found herself more tired and stressed, even with the extra load I have taken on. This has meant a nasty argument about once a month. She sings in a choral society twice a week, plays piano, now also sees her boyfriend once a week, and of course we see normal friends. Doesn't leave a lot of time in the evening once kids are thrown into the equation. Our already somewhat limited time has been put under more pressure.

Trying to work with that we have been more proactive about arranging time with each other, but so far its not worked. Sometimes she is tired, exacerbated by her other interests. Sometimes she has been more focussed on texting the new guy rather than focussing on us. Up to a point this is natural, its new and exciting, but a balance needs to be struck and it hadn't been. Finally as she is still a bit shy about it she tends to talk a lot about him in non-sexual aspects, but the fun stuff she has tended to keep to herself. Since this is something we are doing together its become a bit less together as a result. He has also fallen for her, and though I know he isnt a threat the emotion he has developed has triggered a touch of jealousy on my part, which I am working through.

The lack of time and togetherness preceedes the boyfriend by a long way. This hiccup is 70% work and life and our history, and 30% the extra pressure related to him. Though I concede that it was perhaps the trigger on an already time pressured week.

Cue a few days on very nasty arguments. Actually two very simple issues related to managing the above, that could easily have been sorted out had her stress and temper not caused it to get out of hand. Its taken a good three days to cool off and talk through enough of it to make headway. The solution is fairly simple, make more effort to spend quality time with each other. Sandy is considering dropping one of her singing groups to make more time for herself as she feels she needs to relax more. Finally she had not realised that she hadnt been telling me enough about her and the guy, and admitted that in the cold light of day she is too shy to get into any detail. So she agreed that sometimes when we play she will tell me more and tease me. Not that it was hard to get her to agree, she loves to tease me about it and did often when we were just thinking of getting into this. So effectively she is remembering to do something she loves.

Finally of course a little more communication between us while I get used to the idea that while this isnt a threat to us, there is more emotion than we expected. That takes getting used to.

I am very grateful to three fellow bloggers for advice that helped. Mistress Milliscent who advised that this takes adjustment, and one who will remain anonymous (if you are reading you know who you are) who told me about his own experience and the need for communication, and Heels who similarly gave me her experience. Thanks to you guys I was careful to talk about these issues before they had become too big to deal with.

So we are back in a good place, and soon i will write about the next time we had sex :)

ps. In case it seems that she is at fault and I am not, I also have a very hot temper, and while I did not start these arguments, once they flared I was no saint!

pps. I missed my deadline for shaving myself because of the above. I remembered but was too fired up to do it. I have been told to expect a punishment for taking too long. This makes me feel happy, loved and forgiven. Strange I know but its reaffirming that we are happy, that I am her sub and she loves me enough to want it.

Birthday card

For my birthday sandy sent me a lovely card saying that we had had our best year yet. This felt great to hear. She also signed it off with her mistress name, used on her ic profile. The gooey subby feeling as I read it was overwhelming. She said later that she did it because its now so much part of who we are, and that she thinks it has significantly contributed to our happiness.

Why does she cuckold her man?

Ive read Dev's thoughts on cuckolding which inspired me to write a short post about what we are getting out of it. I should say at the start that I am as irritated by the close link between chastity, cuckolding, and im a useless worm style fantasy. Especially when that fantasy is made out to be real. The end result is that a person, usually a woman coming online to research this thing they have been asked to play with, finds a lot of scary, extreme and emotionally upsetting claptrap. In that I agree with her, Tom, Maymay, Sarah, Thumper and many others who reject the association between kink, submission and weakness. I admit also that cuckolding is an extreme fantasy, one of the most extreme, simply because society for thousands of years has taught us that almost the worst thing we can do in a relationship is to play away, because a woman wants to love and respect her man and not do anything to threaten that, and because it seems very risky and it can be!

That said this post is going to address why we do it, in the context of a healthy happy loving marriage.

I wish I could start by writing a long post on my thoughts, one that would address everything perfectly, clarify my and Sandys thoughts and emotions perfectly, make clear how we feel. Sadly ive been beaten to the punch by queen KC who wrote a post that so perfectly summarises it that im just going to link to it and not try to reinvent the wheel badly. Please read this before you carry on. I emailed this to Sandy. My wife is put off by extreme fantasy or badly written silliness. She is very open minded but as any long time reader of my blog knows she struggled to embrace her and my kinky side for many years. Yet her response to the article was 'Sounds just like us!'. KC summarises it perfectly. Sandy loves me, fancies me, respects and admires me. She finds me gentle and loving, smart and dependable, and sexy as hell even after 15 years together. One reason she hasnt even considered played with anyone else before is because for her I set a very high bar. Why bother to play with someone who is so much less attractive. But having found someone who does appeal (physically and friendship wise, NOT emotionally) she has very much enjoyed playing away so far.

She likes to humiliate me, I enjoy it too. This wouldnt work if it was true that I was useless, it works because it is a game. Sure im embarrassed but I know im not really 'dicklet', in fact I know she loves my cock a lot. I find it hard to strip off and show myself to her while wearing her panties because I know and she knows I look ridiculous. Yet she loves the fact that I do it as it shows the power she has over me, she cant believe I do what she says but gets off on it. Humiliation is one way to amplify that feeling. Plus its just FUN!

For now she enjoys playing away. All this fun we have at home makes her horny. She isnt going and spending that energy elsewhere, this isnt a zero sum game. Playing and flirting with him makes her more horny, the amount of sex we have has gone up since she started doing this. The intimacy between us has gone up even more, we are sharing a naughty secret. We laugh about it, fantasise and talk about it. Its one more thing to share and therefore brings us together. When I look at her I see a woman I love and lust after through my eyes and his, she becomes even more attractive to me. When she comes home to me she is reminded every time of how lucky she is, how much she truly appreciates and wants me, she has said so. The taking for granted that develops over the years is shed when she gets back having tasted something different and sees that what she has is better! Oh and did i mention, its also just plain FUN! Lets not underestimate that, analysis aside its fun for her playing around doing new things with new people, and its fun for me hearing about it.

Not sure I can add much to this, what do you think?

M

Marital torment, marital bliss

I have alluded occasionally to the problems my wife and I have had in the past. I thought I might put a bit of background to it.

I am a very passionate person, physically demonstrative even in public, high sex drive, I like deep intimacy with my partner. I would spend quite a lot of time with her, lots of hugs and kisses, talk a lot... Some of my wife's friends are somewhat envious of her as she gets so much attention without even asking for it, while some of them are a little starved. You get the drift.

My wife is very different. She is fairly passionate but not about relationships. She used to be more guarded with her heart, opens up with friends less, tends to sit back and watch rather than dive in to the thick of things. Her passion is most obvious over food and holidays. She was also very repressed. Openminded for sure, and very accepting, but for herself repressed. She tells of a coffee shop she walked past for years on her way to work. Every time she wanted to walk in and try the cakes, but never actually did. She has a lot of stories like that.

Over the last few years our differences had grown to be the source of a huge problem between us. I need intense intimacy, she gets it from just being around which makes me feel like I am invisible. I need lots of passionate, different, exciting sex, she is happy with what she gets and has a lower sex drive. As the early years passed these problems became huge, tore us apart and almost caused a divorce more than once. Only our deep and fundamental love (and a hell of a lot of hard work) got us through those years. Many times we were so angry we had forgotton love, forgotten friendship, and all we could see was resentment and anger. Beneath it was still love else we wouldnt have bothered, but it was easy to forget for long periods. Almost all caused by a difference in our emotional language and our sexual needs.

I have come to the conclusion that to someone like me, someone who needs regular physical, verbal, intimate emotional affirmation and celebration of love, a relationship with a cooler headed less demanding person is not going to be easy. We worked at it for years, and eventually when things got so bad we were staring into the abyss, suddenly the nearness and horror of where we were began to combine with the hard work and foundations we had been building, and we started to climb out of the mess we were in. There had been green shoots and successes before but never sustainable. However once it started in earnest the climb was swift. We are so in love these days, all over again. Its like a knot in my heart how much I love and care for her, and the memory of the problems acts as a warning to us both to keep up the effort.

What effort? To talk, to care about the other persons deep needs and desires. To remember to take the her need, though it may seem trivial or pointless to me, and make it my own need. To treat it as importantly as my own. And she does the same. If one of us wasnt pulling our weight this would be the road to resentment, believe me I know. But when we both do it its a shining path to a deeper happier love I could never have imagined. It wasnt easy for us to get here but this is sublime.

By the way my wife has been blossoming over the last few years. Her confidence in herself, her openness with friends and with me, her sensuality and sexual experimentation, her passion.... The passionate and exciting person I suspected was there is shining out and I am surprised at how bright she has turned out to be. She is full of surprises these days. Relationships are very hard work, people underestimate that, but the effort is so worth it!

Tumbleweed

Its been a bit quiet chez moi sexually. Not quite tumbleweed. But getting there. Unusually its due to me not my wife (I think the first time). My wife and I have had problems for years, I like a lot of sex and lots of variation. I can be very very naughty, quite imaginative and I do my homework, open to ideas. She is much more vanilla, somewhat kinky but in a take it or leave it way. She happily admits she benefits from my passion but doesn't really spark back. So its quite a turnaround that during a phase when she is agreeing to be much more openminded my sex drive has gone through the floor!!



Oh it has happened before, for a day or two at most just before I catch a cold. That's how it started but its now a couple of months and its only just starting to come back. What the hell? Busy at work, lots of things turning over there, my right hand man is leaving, I am being headhunted by another firm, getting involved in a different business venture, and decorating the house. Oh and got two young kids. So yes you might think its normal but still this is me!! I always want more.



Well anyway strangly three things happened. Firstly its quite peaceful without the constant nag of a sexdrive and a wild imagination. I rather enjoyed the little break. Secondly my wife is making more of an effort which is nice. Thirdly I have realised that I want a new lover, preferably sub in my life, someone who mirrors my passion for fun, friendship and sexuality.



Still back to business, I have woken up the last few mornings with very naughty thoughts in my head, and my wife is not gonna know what her :)



Spring is in the air...