Sunday, 11 December 2011

How hard is an emotionally open marriage?

A quick update

Sandy and I are taking a short break from d/s. This includes orgasm denial (though it pained her to say it) and denial of intercourse. We are also in the last make or break stage of keeping this marriage open with this lover,  stopping the experiment. 

When things settle I hope to write much more about it. Hopefully it will settle without us having to stop but we are a hair breadth from that decision. It is proving very tricky to manage a three way relationship. This isn't pure sex or friends with benefits. Sandy is naturally prone to immersing herself in her lover, at least for the first months and flush of excitement. He is emotionally demanding and unfortunately has fallen in love. Love is fine to a point, but he is constantly trying to get her attention and is jealous of me. she can't easily keep away from him mentally and reserve time and attention for me partly because of her own excitement, but more because of his possessiveness and constant contact. I feel he is a threat to us, I am trying to be open to sharing, he is not. As a result I was starting to feel jealous of him until realised that this is not the way it should be, that were he not so demanding of her it would be more lighthearted and fun for all, and not feel so threatening. 

Sandy is stressed at work, tired, busy. She has not got the time and mental energy to deal with that, and me, and kids, and work etc. She cant see him several times a week and still have time and energy for her family, or be responding to texts in the evenings instead of being present with us. 

She intends to talk to him about this tomorrow. I have my doubts he has the maturity to cope with such a complex relationship,  if he doesn't it will end soon. 

For my part sandy has said that she wants more freedom, is not comfortable with my being too involved. This is a learning experience for me too, and in principle I am happy, both as a husband and a sub, to set her free. I hadn't realised she felt that way.  We both agree though that we need to think about how it is working first. I have taken more control since we started rather than less because I don't trust him to respect our marriage, and because she has made some serious mistakes that have hurt me. It is a learning experience for us all, and a hard lesson. She sees why I am like this. I see why she did what she did. I love her and know her, I can understand her actions and am beginning to understand her needs and drives. 

We are doing some hard thinking the next few days. Much will depend on him, she and I can make it work we think, though we aren't sure, but can he?

10 comments:

nuts4belle said...

Sorry that was me...didn't mean to be anonymous.

Grey Owl said...

Ouch... sounds like he has lost his way and exceeded his role to provide her the pleasure you both expected.

Time for a break!

Take some time off and enjoy the holidays without any contact and re-assess expectations.

Locked Husband said...

That's not cool. If he doesn't "get it", then he deserves the boot!

Emma Kelly said...

Hi Mykey,

Keeping it balanced is hard... You both will make mistakes and have to work at it. Sandy's right about fun. It should be fun or, rather, erotic. Playing on the edge demands being deep in uncharted territory which can be scary.

This guy needs to get it straight or else you should move on and find someone else. We've had a couple of uncomfortable moments with guys that didn't understand what we were going for with a cuckold marriage.

Just because things are a little rough at the moment doesn't mean that you have to give up the experiment though it might. Your call, that is you and Sandy.

My guess is that once things settle down you both will feel the itch again. The genii is out of the bottle.

Best,

scott
Mrs. Kelly's Playhouse

MyKey said...

Hi Nuts
Yeah jealousy is an issue. Even for someone who isnt the jealous type like me!

Hi Grey Owl, Locked husband. I agree. Its what we tried. Will put out an update but its messy.

Hi Scott.
We probably wont close the marriage but it may be a long time before Sandy wants to try this again!

Emma Kelly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emma Kelly said...

Hi Mykey,

Sorry it got so messy. Em and I have never had a situation where she got so stuck on a guy that it became a problem. We've had two guys that went way over the top in their expectations way too soon and Em's feelings were not in accord with theirs.

It's too bad that Sandy feels so bad. Hope she bounces back soon. Perhaps you both can find some commonality in the profiles of the guys who you've had difficulty with and avoid those potential problems in the future.

Best,

scott
Mrs. Kelly's Playhouse

MyKey said...

Hi Scott

I really must be careful not to blog in real time when events are this up in the air.

Sandy isnt as hung up on him as he is on her. She will bounce back, although she is sad.

I met him tonight unexpectedly. He came round to talk about it. This is a good thing, it's better he faces up to my existence, realises I'm easygoing as long as my marriage isn't under pressure. I'm ok with this and he doesn't have to avoid my existence. We might salvage something from this, if not at least he will hopefully feel better about things. Sandy seems ok too but she hasn't as much emotion on the line as he does.

Let's see what happens the next few days.

We had learned with the last guy what to be careful of. it looked initially like this guy was a better fit. Only after it started did it become apparent that he shared that commonality.

It's a soap opera!

Emma Kelly said...

Hi Mykey,

And, hey, I'm responding in real time or thereabouts.

Finding a third is exponentially more difficult than forming a couple as far as I can tell. Em and I have been together for twenty years and we still have great times together. How likely is it that someone will come along and fit right in? We're not a club, we're a family.

Best,

scott
Mrs. Kelly's Playhouse

MyKey said...

Lol! real time blogging. Twitter has nothing on this.

Yeah it sure is hard. If you guys find it so after so much experience it really must be. Like you say 20 years (17 for us) and shared experience makes a close unit. Fitting in
Must be hard for them too!