Sunday, 4 December 2011

I'm scared

It's all happening fast. It's happening to extremes. For me at least. Deepest and darkest fantasies are becoming likely to happen. I feel like things I have fantasised about for a long time are not my fantasy any more but Sandy's. And she wants them to be real.

It's one thing sharing your wife. It's another lying in bed desperate horny, truly wishing you could cum. Truly wishing you could fuck her. Make love to her. Yet have her say no. Have her tell you, in total seriousness and candour, that she does not miss fucking you and does not intend to allow you to do that. Not words said purely to fuel a fantasy but stated even when cold. Thats not sharing, that's being as deeply submissive as a man can get. That's allowing what I so desire to be taken by her from me. And sandy, well she gets off more and more on the disparity. He gets to cum, I don't. On her tits, in her mouth, in her pussy or ass. Wherever and however he wants. She loves that I can't do that. She revels in it. It makes her feel powerful and mean and delicious, her eyes burn with fire as she says how much she likes it. She enjoys being his slut, and all the more because she is my Domme and my denier.

Tonight I asked her to tell me a dark fantasy she likes. She told me locking my cock up for a whole month, no freedom at all. To be fucking her lover, maybe even three times a week, taking photos to show me, taunt me with, knowing I won't have a single orgasm, or a single minute of freedom from the chastity belt merely to have a wank over the photo of her unfaithfulness. I was floored by the extreme of the fantasy, but not as floored as when I asked her if she wanted it for real. Her answer an unequivocal yes! Even pointing out that if he figured out how to make her cum properly even that pleasure might be reduced for me. I would get to tease her but not often make her cum.

Sandy and I have a few issues to deal with at the moment. Some related to making an open marriage work in reality, some related to life in general. I will write about them. She pointed out that she would be worried about making that fantasy real just now because of those other things, but If they were sorted then she would do it.

Furthermore she wants to reduce my weekly single orgasm to one a month. I suggested a day of freedom a month but she insists one sole orgasm only. She wants that because it's mean and fun and makes her squirm, and because her lover will get even more than me then. She thinks she could keep that up for maybe 6 months! Again these other issues mean for now it will remain fantasy, but maybe not forever. This tid bit came up when I asked, no begged her to allow me two orgasms a week as I'm really struggling with being horny all the time. Two orgasms a week was just laughed at, no chance at all. That's when she mentioned her interest in one a month.

Be careful what you wish for has never felt this true. She is running ahead with things I never imagined could be real. My limits are being pushed hard. I am honestly truly mixed up about wether I can do this. My cock loves it, my sexuality sings to her tune. My heart is afraid and my alpha male head is rebelling. My old Domme used to say I think too much, just live in the moment and enjoy. Sandy is now telling me the same. It's just fun she says. But her fun is easier to live with, my end of this Faustian deal is a bittersweet pleasure.

Angst much?

I know he isn't a better lover than me, though he is very good. He is new and of course that is a huge turn on for her. She doesn't prefer fucking him, in the sense of prefer the sensation or way he does it, but for now she prefers to fuck only him and deny me because that is her pleasure. I know she doesn't intent this way of life to be permanent, might only be weeks before she fucks me again. But I already miss making love to her, and by going this deeply into submission to her I wonder if we could ever truly go back. No I know we couldn't. Already 4 years of being her sub have changed us. Once in a blue moon could I just take what i want from her. She does not want to live that way in her main relationship. She wants the control and has tasted it. That sexual path is probably forever behind us now. How much else will change with me sliding deeper and accepting what might be weeks or months of denial of her pussy, and months of her enjoying the sexual pleasure that comes of a man who uses her and fucks her and does what he likes. Afterwards perhaps she will want more of that with me. But equally perhaps she will find she prefers keeping me deep in submission and getting that side of things from another man. Who knows? But I know things won't just go back to normal.

I can almost hear my old Domme saying stop overanalysing. Just enjoy it. Easier said than done!

I know i can stop this anytime. Submission is given and I could stop merely by saying this isn't working for me. Problem is I don't know if it is or isn't. I just know its extreme, scary, more than I ever expected would happen in reality.

Emma and Scott if you are reading this (i don't know if you do read my blog) I would certainly appreciate your thoughts.



Pantyslave said...

Welcome to the world of slavery. An old British saying from the days of empire. If rape is inevitable lay back and enjoy it.

Alice said...

Some mixed feelings are probably part of the deal but, for me at least, I have to feel "cared for", no matter what else is going on. I hope the rollercoaster slows down a little soon so that you can work out where you want to go. Alice.

MyKey said...

Pantyslave. I love the saying!

Hi Alice. I agree. About both the mixed feelings and needing to feel cared for. Luckily I am very comfortable with her love and know that she will always look after me when it matters. The rest is down to working out day to day how to have her cake and eat it while still making our relationship work well, me feel cared for, and her feel like her main intimacy is with me. The fundamentals are strong but how to make it work is proving tricky.

Though I keep saying I need to write more I haven't got round to it yet. For now suffice to say that where we are both finding it hard a large part of it is down to lack of time and energy on her part. She is stressed and tired for other normal life reasons and this makes her withdraw from people contact to recuperate. That would put a strain on us even without the lover being on the scene.

Emma Kelly said...

Hi Mykey,

You have peaked my interest. This is the direction that has the greatest impact for Em and I currently. We haven't been aware of your blog. Our loss. We will play catch-up and have added you to our blog list.

We will read and comment regularly.


Mrs. Kelly's Playhouse

MyKey said...

Hi Scott

Thanks for the comment! I'm afraid it might be almost the end of this experiment and you may be disappointed. Hopefully not :)

It's powerful for sandy and I too, she loves denial even more than me now! But... Well only when things are working better. Let's see.

Thanks again, and hi to Emma.