Constant Cravings

Its been a couple of weeks since I have had a girl at my mercy.. The monster in me is very very hungry. Earlier tonight I saw a simple but elegant picture of a beautifully roped girl, nearly naked. Nothing extreme just a pretty girl, panties ropes and a gag. I want my own. I want it now. I want her bound at my feet where I can tease, torment and pleasure her until I've had my fill.



I've always said that for me sex without friendship isn't worth having. That applies doubly with kink. This monster is as cerebral and emotional as it is physical.



Funnily enough I am listening to michael nyman at the moment and its edgyness strikes me as a good accompaniment... Smiles.



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Taking a dump

Today I took a dump. Yesterday I took a dump. A few days ago I spent so long taking a dump that the automatic light went off in the loos and I had to wipe by the light of my mobile. A juggling act it was, though one unsuited to the big top



At no point did I 'take' anything. On reflection I can think of a great many things I would rather 'take'. I don't feel I am unusual in this.



Give perhaps.



Discard for sure.



Excrete.



But not take...



So why? Why do we take a dump?

Musings on a toothbrush holder

Its 2007. For at least 2 decades we haven't had standard sized, narrow handled toothbrushes. They come long with narrow heads, short with fat handles, rubber easy grip, vibrating, rotating, mutating. Basically anything but a standard brush.



So why in gods name do toothbrush holders always come in that 'standard' size that doesn't fit anything made this side of 1985. Some brushes slip right through, other perch precariously by their base angled like a forgotten erection. Some don't fit at all.



Toothbrush holder design, where the 'older gentleman' designer goes to live out his later years. A world where the sun always shines, casting a warm sepia glow across rows of old school toothbrushes.



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The hero is always pretty.

It bothers me, the constant subliminal and not so subliminal messages in film. American movies are especially bad for it but its not exclusive to US programming. Still look at it, almost every film, soap, reality tv program has the main characters as good looking. Friends, all pretty. Even chandler the geek is actually pretty good looking. Beauty and the beast, and the beast is a good looking long haired man with some makeup. Even 'ugly betty' isn't actually ugly, just a rather pretty girl with braces and odd hair.



Ever noticed how the repressed, excluded and 'unattractive' main character of a film is made better and better looking as their popularity and success improves in the films progression. You can predict it almost every time. Its as though filmmakers think that nobody could accept an honestly physically unattractive or even average person as a successful popular human being. Are we all truly so shallow?



It bothers me. I am considered pretty good looking, how much does it bother those who are less attractive! Subliminal hell. You can never be popular as you can never be cute!



I understand it, I know why. But it is still I think a pity.





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Sparkle, my love.

Sparkle, my love.
-----------------------
You are in me, am I in you?
I love you; do you know it,
Does it show?
Because I've loved you,
And I've failed you,
And I want u more than ever
To be happy,
To be you,
To be...

Childhood incidents

I recently realised how much power a certain incident has held over me. As with so many others it began as a childhood taunt, meaningless and silly. Caught me unawares and left me wounded. I have been working to exorcise the incident and remove its impact on me.. writing it here is partly to help others who may have felt the same kind of shame, and show what can be done about it.

I will write this in a way that shows the effect it NO LONGER HAS over me. I will not relive it in a way as to strengthen its effect, but to negate its impact and leave it as a healthy distant memory.

I was 9. Already very much a sexual being with little knowledge but an interest. I had recently been told how babies were made by another kid, slightly inaccurately. Apparently a man sticks his willy in a womans bits and pees... Heheh, not exactly correct but hey i was 9. So one day i passed this information on to a friend, not a good friend but a friend. This is important, until i thought hard and relived the incident recently i hadnt remembered that he was someone i got on with. I told him, he looked unsure of what i said, perhaps uncomfortable. Then he laughed and said 'dirty simon'. I remembered this as a taunt, but i am not sure if it was said more than once or twice. It didnt catch on, i certainly wasnt called that for long.

Only i felt dirty ever since, at least the sexual part of me. Not a good way to begin your life especially when it turns out you are kinky. I believed it deep down, so if i ever opened up to anyone about my sexuality and got a similar reaction it just relived the feeling and strengthened the belief. Believe me it happened a lot since i was both so sexual and so sensitive about it.
I have fought it conciously for years with some success but not enough. It has even impacted my relationship. If i asked for something different and got refused, or she laughed, got uncomfortable or even said yes half heartedly, i felt uncomfartable and dirty. You can imagine that i was not then in the best state to convince her to meet my need, or show her it could be FUN. Was never lucky enough to have met as a partner a girl kinky enough to have helped me feel less alone.

So what happened? Well i have learnt a few techniques to soften the memory and accept the emotions that accompanied it. The memory is in black and white now, seen as if on a screen rather than being relived. The little boy who was me has the love and acceptance from me now, the love that he didnt have then. The boy who said something so small, in such passing, well he hasnt even been forgiven as there was nothing to forgive. He also has my love and always will.
And if ever i feel dirty again i will replay that memory and see it happen at a distance, in grainy black and white. It will happen to a little boy who now has my love and support and sits at a campfire with me watching it from a distance. The other boy also sits with us, also just a boy and i wrap him in my love too. My arm is around the younger me and he is ok, he is loved, and so am i.

I am ME, i am ok.

The importance of communication

Roll on telepathy, thats what I say. We humans are so bad at communicating its a wonder we get anything done at all... My wife and I in arguments can be trying our hardest to speak clearly and get our point across, and when we think we are at our most clear, ... still the other person takes precisely the wrong meaning.

So what hope the long distance or virtual relationship?

My Domme and I had a bit of scare today. I did something to disappoint her. She responded with a 'headgame' that was (with hindsight) intended to be perceived as a punishment. When viewed from my end it didnt come across as a punishment, the words screamed 'its over, permanently, you failed me'. So I reacted with sadness and some anger... you can see where it might have ended up. Luckily it didnt and a short but intense bit of time on IM sorted it out. Still you have to wonder, when its so hard to communicate in person how hard is this?!!

She suggested that I should trust her more, that I know she loves me and would not hurt me. She is right of course and to a surprisingly (for me) deep level I do. I guess the measure of trust is how far you will go before you feel you are falling. Today showed me that while I trust her a lot its not enough that my more powerful emotional triggers can be played with. Not yet anyway. I think we need to know each other better, and perhaps more importantly know that the other person knows and understand us. Then I at least will feel completely in safe hands.

A friend of mine recently suggested that NVC (non-violent communication) of which he is a practitioner should be taught at schools. Not just for interpersonal reasons but to raise humanity up a level socially. Imagine if everyone from schoolkids chatting, right up to the politicians they may one day become, had measurably better empathic and communication skills. After a generation a significant improvement could be made in peoples lives on the macro and micro scale. I have to say from what I have seen of it, I think he is right. An hour a week could be invaluable!

nb. The violent does not refer to physical violence but emotional, as in charged words and unclear or unempathic communication that results in angry feelings on both sides.

MyKey