Sunday, 20 November 2011

On polyamory

There is a lot of well written information about polyamory on the Internet, what I know would probably fit on the back of a postcard, or even a stamp (remember those things that used to make old fashioned paper emails go). What I do know is that this is now the third time sandy and I have started on what can only be described as the beginnings of a poly relationship.

Sandy, who for years has had permission to play but always said she didn't want to, has for the second time found a lover, once last year and now. Several years ago she and I had a semi regular threesome with a man who is still a good friend. In his case he was almost becoming part of the family, I could have imagined him in our lives longer term and so could sandy. She called it off in part because she could grow to like him too much. The lover last year (initially at least) and her current lover occupy a similar position in her mind. Not simply friends, not only sex. She admits that she likes this guy, cares for him, loves sex with him and in some way loves him (or at least that pale shadow of love that exists in the first months of a relationship). She knows he is not threat to us, if anything she loves me even more right now. She has realised with these three experiences that she has it in her to care for more than one man without it threatening her feelings for her prime relationship. With that realisation she finds it much easier, and much more fun, to let herself go with this lover.

So we find ourselves in the unexpected position of being in the beginnings of what could become a poly. Sandy and I, with sandy having a secondary but emotionally valuable relationship as well.

I am still amazed, happy, grateful, and proud to see how she has developed from the very shy wallflower of her youth to the remarkable, confident, passionate woman she is today, and if you knew what she was like when she was young you would never have believed she could become this person. I have to pinch myself to check I'm not imagining it. With each year that passes she grows in confidence and in willingness to make the most of life. Polyamory suits her, I suspected so last year but as it turned out the guy was not a good match, I'm even more sure now. Sandy, who hates being labelled and isn't always comfortable admitting in the cold light of day what she likes, did not bat an eyelid when I suggested she had the capacity for this kind of relationship, she's admitted it to herself. Again that's unusual for her given how she still struggles sometimes with what 'society' deems acceptable. .

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

are you still in your cage ?

Anonymous said...

love is just a 4 letter word !
maria kk

Harry Haversackers said...

Our society conditions us to think that we have the capacity to love only one other at a time. That's not true. However, I suspect poly relationships can be difficult. The core person must take care not to damage the ego of one lover, especially if it's the fragile ego of a male.

Good luck! If it comes together, I expect that you may have a wild ride ahead of you, one that could be very fulfilling.

Grey Owl said...

Are you leaping all the way to poly, or just very happy to see her as your very 'Hot Wife'? I happen to agree with the dislike of labels as we leave the vanilla world, and explore a variety of opportunities that frighten the 'normal' folk. Congrats on the courage the two of you share, and thank you so much for sharing as you move along this exciting journey!

MyKey said...

I'm not in my cage. Honour system. Sandy still finds the cage an extreme fetish that she isn't always in the mood for.

Harry such prescient words. Yes it's hard for the core person. We are finding the difficulties at the moment, I might post again on this. Thanks for your insight.

Hi grey owl.
Not jumping to poly, nor is it plain sex and hot wife. Somewhere in between I guess. For me proper poly would involve a bond of some sort between all three of us, this is more like the core person, sandy, having a prime and a second relationship. The second is friends, sex, some love but not deeply so.

Exciting it is, with a few big bumps though.