Thursday, 21 July 2011

Things are tough all over

Extra point to anyone who recognises the reference :)

Things are a bit crap in the outsidevanilla household these days. Part of the reason I'm writing less is because we are doing less. Sandy is getting less and less interested in sex as the months go on.

It started with her going back to work full time a year or so ago. She doesn't cope well with full time work especially when you add two kids into the equation. I've upped the support I'm giving to the point where I am shattered but it's not enough. She is tired, irritable, isn't getting enough downtime and is unable to relax and make the most of it when she does get it. End result is she has nearly no sex drive. We've dropped frequency over the last year down to once a week or less. Even that is a quickie as often as not.

Im well aware that some readers might think once a week is plenty. Sandy sure does. For me though I've compromised over the years from who I really am, a highly sexual man, and as the years went by the compromise got more extreme and harder to bear. Our three year d/s relationship changed that but died as the pressure of her new job took it's toll on her.

The pressure it's putting on us is huge. I'm unhappy and feeling distant from her, and very disconnected from my own sexuality. She is distant and the lack of intimacy is affecting her too. It's causing arguments that resolve nothing. She is trying to make more effort but her effort stops outside the bedroom door. Basically she is flirty but her brain usually shuts down if it looks like it's going to become real.

All in all we are back where we started but with slightly better communication between us. We've tried to halt the slide the last few months with no lasting success. I have no idea where this is leading, no idea why I'm writing this post except that I want to get it off my chest. I'd like to think things will improve but I don't believe that. This problem has been with us for 15 years and if there was a simple solution we would have found it by now.

Sex or job. That's what it boils down to. And we can't afford for her not to work.



heelsnstocking said...

if I win the lottery..... hugs for you both and a fuck for you

Tamara said...

I can relate to your story (well, not to the "once a week is very little" part). There were times when my husband's sex drive was very low, and I was craving sex and intimacy. And, just like you, I was beginning to feel the distance between the two of us grow.
Our D/s relationship changed things to the better, but I'm not sure whether things will stay as bright. - Unlike you, we have not found out the reason why my husband's libido was so low. So it might happen any time again. (Should you be interested, you can find a longer version of my story here.)

But, of course, it doesn't help much to know the reason, if nothing can be done against it. - So I'm very sorry for you, but, of course, I don't have any solution to offer, either.

KaziGrrl said...

Writing about it is cathartic, if nothing else. I well know that...

I certainly grok the distance that develops when intimacy is at low or nil. Knowing the reason why helps but doesn't solve the issue. As long as you're both aware and you're both trying, there's hope though. An objective third party might be able to help you out here... or finding a way to get a sizable chunk of time together sans kids or work, even if you couldn't go far.

MyKey said...

Hi all. Tanks for your comments.

Tamara, I've started reading andi do like your blog, hope things keep working out for you. Sounds like it's a healthy place You are both in..

Hi Kazi

Thanks for the comment. There is hope of course, and all things come in phases. Thankfully we are in love, fundamentally, so while it's not nice we have always come out of it. We are considering talking to someone else, but it seems unlikely to help, we know ourselves pretty well.

Great use of grok! Such a great word it's a wonder it's not stayed in use. No other word covers that breadth of understanding. Wonder how many people even know what it means or where it is from?