Unexpected arousal

So I have just been completely waxed. Totally bare. And it's made me so horny! I've had a full blown submissive mindset descend on me. Like my man mojo has been taken from me and I want to be a toy. Yummy abused horny husband to a sexy dominate wife.

Mmm make me lick your clit while your boyfriend fucks you from behind. Fucks the pussy I have been denied and crave so badly. Subby husbands don't get to fuck when they want, they get teased and toyed, they aren't even allowed to keep their pubic hair.

Playful reentry

Sandy and I took a few tentative steps back into kink.

Last might we made love, well not really. She was feeling subby, or slutty to be more accurate. After a long tease she ended up having her clit spanked and being double penetrated until she and I came, hard. She does love ass play.

Coming together always makes me feel intimate.

She has also decided that I won't cum now until Christmas day. Just because it's fun. This isn't me being a full on sub. She did say and I agree that we take it slow and ligthearted, and stop if it doesn't feel right. Feels odd losing control of my cock again, but yes it's hot.

Apparently I might be allowed to cum but only at work (which I hate, heheh).

The last samurai

I watched it for the second time last night. It never fails to make me cry. Such a powerful film, and very sensitively done.

I have to ration myself from listening to the music, has too strong an effect on me, and sandy.

The pleasure of caring

Wanting to look after Sandy has not changed. I Miss it. That's changed in me perhaps permanently, that I want to do more for her and that I derive more pleasure from it.

So there will be more of that than there was before I subbed. Not as much as when I sub, that's inevitable I think, but more than before we did the ds thing.

I spoke to sandy about it today. She had an interesting take on it. She said that she thought there was a big element of having done lots of kink and that I'm probably a bit bored of it, or at least not interested if bored is too strong a word. She reminded me also, that although she has only been my domme properly for a year, that we haven't been vanilla for many many years. So we have both rediscovered the pleasure in that (and my god it is fun, and heartwarming). It seems she doesn't want the ds dynamic for now any more than I do. She thinks that she will again, she is pretty sure of that. It's fun she says. Her typical answer to what she gets out of it. But right now she is enjoying a change.

So my analytical self is starting to relax, my inner world can be explained again.

Strange feelings

Post submissive feelings

There are those feelings when you have cum, sometimes you feel silly, embarassed or foolish. Why do I do this you ask? That's all I feel these days, but not it a bad way. Not feeling foolish, just asking why. I have no real interest in being a sub, giving control feels silly and numb to me. I don't want to be denied orgasm, or my wifes body. Reading stories that used to turn me on still do, just about, but in a very detached analytical way. My Id is looking down at the rest saying why? What's the point? So I don't crave it at all.

My sex drive probably isn't low, I cum every day or two. But it's not 'there' ever present. No gnawing craving butterflies. I used to miss it when they weren't there, now it's a relief.

So I am beginning to wonder, have I had It burned out of me? I always knew I was more of a switch, not totally a sub, but when I sub I go deep. I wonder if I went so deep and long this time that the curiosity has been slaked, which is one of my big drivers. I'm happy I've been there, very happy, I would always have wanted to try it if I hadn't. But now? I don't know. It's dangerous saying stuff when you are at a low point (sexually that is) just as what you say when horny isn't necessarily to be trusted. But right now I can believe that I will not sub again.

Play is different. I may not be missing it much now but it's fun, I like tickling, teasing, spanking. These games will happen sometimes. But that's not the same thing as being a sub.

That's all I have to say this morning. But if any readers have experienced this or similar for any length of time (a month for me now) I would love to hear your opinions.

M

What's up doc?

Well not much.

We are growing together again, sandy and I. Trust is coming back. We are in love, very much so. But no kink, at least not much. I wonder if we will ever go back to domme sub. To be honest I'm not missing it. I don't know why. My sex drive is very low at the moment, of course I'm coming most days so that helps suppress it, lol! Masturbation of course, the love that dare not speak it's name in these parts. sandy isn't missing it either, still feeling a little unsure of herself. I also rather like having some of my freedom back, and being able to cum when I want. It's also very relaxing for me not to have the denial hunger gnawing at me constantly. It's more relaxing for sandy too. Even though we both loved it at the time.

Our 11 month ds period has had a few permanent changes. I still look for ways to look after her more than I used to, not that I was ever neglectful but it's upped the level some. She does for me too.

We did have a little kinky play last night. The first since the bustup. I had a long whipping that was great, got the endorphins flying high, felt like lighthearted fun. Sandy enjoyed it too. Afterwards we made love, good old fashioned fucking. She came once by my hand, then we came together wih me inside. Afterwards I lay in her arms feeling at peace with my wife. Later still we watched flashforward and i rubbed her feet. Quite nice having a but of kink and ending in a loving way.

So who knows, I suspect we will be 10% kinky 90% nilla for some time yet. But after 11 months that's probably no surprise. It's a change, one we probably needed. Someday we may explore 24/7 ds again, probably will in fact. But how soon is unclear.

Short update

Well its been a while since I have been on, to be honest I havent been in the mood to write or do very much of anything else...

Up to early october things were ok. In fact the week before my birthday we had a very fun week. I was locked up for about 5 days straight in my neosteel (a first for that length of time). Sandy had a lot of fun at my expense, and even on my birthday I wasnt unlocked. My birthday present was to pleasure her. I might write more about that sometime.

Unfortunately within a few days of that things went pretty sour between us. So much so that I am no longer subbing to her. We have taken a step back from kink for a while. Its a bit of a relapse of our old problems.

Sandy naturally does not show her emotions, is not very demonstrative with her love. Thats not to say she doesnt love me, but her language of showing it isnt at all like mine. She also has a habit of becoming very insular, in her own world. At times like that I feel like I am just a breadwinner and aide round the house. If she is busy, stressed or ill, almost any stress in fact makes her react that way. Since about July one thing or another has led to her progressively withdrawing from the relationship. By the time of our week holiday (which I wrote about a while ago) she effectively spent pretty much the entire holiday in her own world, from which I was excluded. We probably had only a handful of quality exchanges during the entire week. she read, slept, ate, but wasnt 'present'. Since then it continued to get worse.

A couple of years back when we were at out lowest and close to divorce we both realised that the only way to recover was for each of us to take the others needs and prioritise them over our own. Only if we both did that would we both feel loved and looked after. It worked extremely well, until now. As she progressively gave less and less I continued to be supportive, probably even more so. We did talk about the change in her a few times, she agreed it was a problem and needed to turn it around. Problem is she didnt, she kept putting it off, saying she was trying but not actually changing anything. I got the distinct impression that she was waiting for a reduction in stress to hand it to her on a plate. But life's little stresses dont always go away when you need them to. Eventually, very soon after my birthday I cracked. We had a couple of very horrible weeks of arguments.

In short I dont feel good about being her sub anymore. I feel distant and unappreciated, and lacking in trust that she will care for me as much as I care for her.

We have gone beyond that point now, are starting to rebuild the love and trust for each other. Its difficult in a way, knowing she can do it now makes me wonder why she couldnt do it before it hurt me so badly. But it is changing. She is much more present and caring, and I am starting to want to care for her again. Its a hiccup, I am sure it will pass. But it is a nasty reminder of how bad things were between us a few years back. It is also showing that our relationship is more fragile than I thought it was. I hope we learn from this a little in order to make it less fragile.

She has made it clear that she would like me to be her sub again, that she liked it. I also feel like there is something missing, I liked putting her first. I am sure we will go back to those roles, but first we need to reconnect a bit more. We both feel it is a little too soon, but hope that it wont be too much longer. In the meantime we are making love a bit more, good old fashioned vanilla love. It is helping rebuild our closeness.

Anyway you havent heard the last from us.

Hope you are all well.

M